I commenced my quest to find someone to be with in July with a list of attributes I was looking for and the hope that out there in the worldwide web there was someone who was also looking to create a home. Through the months of actively looking I have come across a wide variety of men, some of whom have been interesting most of whom have been not so. I have had to soul search and dig around inside at what has been some very painful times in order to attempt to learn from my past mistakes and grow from experience. This is not easy and I am certainly nowhere near nirvana yet. I also have had to be brutally honest with myself regarding how my life has transpired. For many years I could not set boundaries and craved the acceptance of others. This has lead to a lot of poor choices in life. I mean, what was I thinking getting married at 20? When I escaped that one what was I thinking getting involved straight away with someone else? Then when that went SO pearshaped it wasn’t funny I get involved again with another person who has more issues than I have BUT I allow them to control me? WTF?
I then end all of that and commence this entertaining odyssey. Now, don’t get me wrong it has been an eye opener, funny in parts and may one day put Canberra up there with New York for dating (yeah right!) but look at some of these men. Ooh let’s see. We have the cyber creeps who only want to see you naked if you are on the web, the guys who have anger management issues, the guys who have no idea what they want, the ones who are testing the waters to see if they actually need a woman in their life or are we an optional extra they can just visit and pay for? Whom else? Mmm, the ones you have to drive to Cougartown to catch and release, the undecided ones who like you but are not sure they cannot get a better deal elsewhere and ones that I like and have spent time with and didn’t want to scare away with any overt displays of emotion. Whew! I think that just about covers the last six months.
I have felt every word of this song. I have had to go from zero to my own hero. This year I have had major health scares starting with potential brain and kidney tumours and then skin cancer which I have to get checked. I have worked hard to try and start a career which blazed and failed spectacularly six months ago. I have had to swallow my pride and go back nursing when I swore after I landed my first legal job I would never do. All of this I have faced alone. I live away from my brother and mother and do not have many people I would actually call friends here. So, who was there to wipe my tears when plans fell through and times were hard and cash was so low that some days I had nothing to eat? No one but myself. I got me through this. I did it. Who is there for me to go out with at night when I need a few wines and to blow off some steam? Me, I walk into clubs and pubs on my own and sit on my own surveying the scene with my heart pounding because it is so obvious I am there on my own and quite often not one person would have spoken directly to me other than a barman all night BUT I do it. Why? Because I like music and I have optimism that I can meet people (guys and girls) who I can have as friends in my life. I have had some people comment that it is brave of me to do this and they would never do it. I have to do it or I would never go out simple as that.
“I stood for nothing and fell for everything” This is a pretty good summation of my life. I have no reason to lie about who I am and I find because of that I assume everyone is like me. This lead me to fall for every lie a man ever told me. I say I stood for nothing because I felt worthless. This deep seated feeling stems from all the abuse I suffered over six years in the military. It has taken until now for me to change. It has not been easy. I have been in counselling for a year now. However, the tide has turned.
I feel that I have been held down and I am now getting up and brushing off the dust. I see it all and I see it now, all the lies and deception that has been aimed at me by men for years. Basically, I am that typical blonde that men like the idea of having a piece of but they could not possibly have as a partner. They like the idea of sleeping with me so they can hurry away to brag to their friends, Or with one person they liked having me because I made them look good. I am intelligent, I have had a varied working life so I can find middle ground to talk to most people, I am qualified in two professions where most people are lucky to have one. I am amusing (or so I have been told) and am not a bad raconteur. In short, I can intimidate men who have their own self esteem issues.
I now have that spark of anger. I am posting this because this is how I feel. I have had to become my own hero and I realise no one will save me or slay my demons for me. I am not going to put up with anymore time wasting, bullshit and lies. I have reached my limit. I cannot save anyone only myself. I am going to do what is best for me whether that is physically, emotionally or spiritually. I will not be held to ransom by anyone ever again. At the moment because my work situation is in a state of flux and I could potentially be moving to Brisbane (fingers crossed!) it’s like I have become more protective of myself. I will not allow anyone to hurt me. It’s almost like being in a bubble. For example, I saw Quirky at the beginning of the week and normally when I see him I ask him how the week is traveling and we make plans to catch up. This week, I didn’t ask and he didn’t bring it up. He also hasn’t contacted me at all. Do I feel hurt or angry like I would have in the past? No I don’t because I have been busy working and I feel that if I haven’t crossed his mind at least once in the last six days to the point that he could have at least texted then ok I know where I stand. He obviously likes me but I am not really a priority in his life.
I have had to work quite hard this week and coming off the bat of a long weekend in Orange I have not had much spare time. I mean hell, I had not only last weeks but this weeks washing to do and a room that looks like a bombs hit it. I know when my living space gets cluttered that my mind is cluttered.
I had lunch with Huggy Bear on Saturday and he is a really busy man but he does send me regular texts. We had a great time chatting and I helped him pick up a birthday present for some dinner he had to go to. He is a really great guy and we like hanging out together but there is no reason to push things to any place any time soon.
I went out for cocktails at Kremlin and then danced the night away at Cube, the local gay nightclub last night which was really fun. They were celebrating the first gay marriages in Australia, which could be made void ab initio by the High Court of Australia in a week but if they don’t it may be worth becoming a divorce attorney. At least the transcripts of their divorces will make interesting reading lol!
Finally, there is another penpal from overseas purporting to be interested in meeting me. He asked me for my number two weeks ago and has called me three times from Europe. I had a flurry of communication and now…nothing. Well, I have been through these overseas thing before ( see the Canadian psychopath / IMOM and The German). Whilst I like what he is telling me when we communicate and he has explained he is really busy with his job at the moment I think it is rude not to reply to your emails. I have quit corresponding and will see what happens. Either he is on the line and honest or like the last two he is not. I suppose only time will tell.
On that note, I will end tonight’s very long chapter. I am looking forward to a new slate and new challenges in the new year. I am hoping that my life will change for the better as to be honest, I don’t know anyone who has tried as hard as I have to get the opportunity to have the job and home life they crave. However, in the words of the lovely Ms Perry –
“I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR!’