Vulnerability – Girly stuff!

Morning groovas,
I have been busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest this week. I am rostered on seven days in a row in the hope of getting some cash together for Xmas. I am going away to Kuala Lumpur for a week of fun in the sun. This is the third time lucky for me to actually get there as I have supposed to have been there with the Canadian but it never eventuated. The last time I was booked with him apparently his Saudi exit visa didn’t come through and he cancelled the day before. Just another trip to Disappointmentville. However, this time it’s booked and I am off. Thus you may have to do without me for a week or so whilst I go have some fun. I then have some options for New Year which I haven’t quite sorted yet. So, it will be an adventure for all of us.

What’s been happening you say? Well, other than the necessary evil of work I have had a few catch ups with my various male friends. I am trying to think of an appropriate collective for them. An ‘optimist’ of men? Or a ‘diversion’ of men? I don’t know. I have decided not to take any more on until the end of the year. As I am currently interacting with approximately ten of them in various stages of communication. I am finding this multidating thing is tricky even for me to keep tabs on. Thank God for the blog or I would be lost lol!

I have physically seen three of them this week which I think is quite a feat considering that I work permanent afternoons. I like each of them for various reasons. Catching up for coffee and interacting with another human being is wonderful. I like getting the male perspective on a variety of issues and actually, I just like male company. Hanging out with guys is very uncomplicated. Most of them don’t sweat the small stuff like women do. This is why I share house with two guys. There’s no arguments over washing up or hogging the bathroom.

However, all is not a whirl of dates and laughter for the Jojogrrl. I had to front up to the Attorney General’s Department last Friday to begin drafting an affidavit on the six years of physical and mental abuse I suffered whilst in the Defence Force. I was a naive 17 year old when I joined and so, because of lack of life experience I did not realise that I was being abused for a long time. Between that and a shocking tax bill I really did need a hug this week. Enter Quirky guy…

I am not used to being the damsel in distress as I am usually the one who slays my own dragons and basically gets shit done but even I was finding life a tad difficult this week. I am also potentially on the move again. As there are no legal jobs in this town for who knows how long (conservative estimates are at least February if not Easter!) I have applied for jobs in other states to try and get back into my legal career. All of this was on my mind. I finished up at the hospital and headed over to Quirky’s for a glass of wine. It was odd on the drive over it was like all this stuff hit me and I was tired after a busy shift.

He poured me a wine and I just spilled it all out and went all girly on him and burst into tears! Poor guy was not ready for that I am sure. I needed a hug. I buried my head in his shoulder and bawled my eyes out. Not just for the years of abuse, the disappointment at my work and the big tax bill but because I miss being close to someone. I miss being able to come home and talk to someone about my day and hear about theirs. I miss having plans whether small ones like what we would be doing on the weekend to where our next holiday will be? I miss having my partner in crime. Whilst I am dating and getting out which is fun I miss those times when you can just lie in the same bed on a sunday morning, each of you reading whatever but the silence is comfortable.

I stayed over and he cuddled me and I had the best sleep. I was warm and comfortable and as he is tall I fit in the crook of his arm. He listened which for a single person who works strange hours that is worth a lot. However, I have no idea what is going on in his head and he knows about the blog and my dates and is still fine with that. So, he is happy to take the gamble that I may find someone else in amongst all my other suitors.

I am honest and upfront. I tell each guy that I date that I write a blog and I am multidating until a mutual decision on exclusivity occurs. I know that this is unconventional and friends have said that potentially this will keep the barriers up as no one will take a chance to commit in case it all goes tits up. However, I cannot after a month or two go exclusive. It is too soon and has not worked out well in my experience. When a mutual decision is finally made with any (or none) of them it will be the right decision because other options will have been explored and it will be a decision made with free will and not because of desperation.

In the meantime, it felt good to be a girly for a change. Being vulnerable is hard. Showing that part of you that you hide from the world in a situation where you could potentially be rejected is difficult. Also I am a terrible crier. I go all blotchy and my nose runs and I look like a tired, cranky three year old who has just awoken from a nap. But, he didn’t mind…

Now what’s the agenda for the rest of my week? I have coffee tomorrow morning with a guy that I have been chatting to for ages but schedules have never matched up. I am seeing Quirky again after work on Saturday and on Sunday I am meeting Huggy Bear for the first time. A new one, you ask? No not really. We met online a few months ago but he disappeared for awhile as he was seeing someone. We appear to have the same type of humour. He has kids which potentially is great as I am not in the market to ruin my pelvic floors at this age and despite his looks seems not to be a serial killer (Damn Movember for making all men look like 70s porn stars!).

So, I am as vulnerable as the next person. It is hard to acknowledge that and it’s hard to reach out when you need someone to just be there but I did it. I am learning more and more about myself all the time. Gee, at this rate by the time a reach enlightenment I will end up dropping dead with my 56 cats surrounding me.

Whilst the dark clouds are over me at the moment, I have some rays of sunshine on the horizon. I truly believe my life will improve at some point. I have the professional smarts to work anywhere and I am a decent person with intelligence, wit and a beautiful pair of … eyes apparently. With that in mind I face another shift knowing that I have faced so many tough times and come through, so what’s one more?

Until next time, stay safe
The Jojogrrl

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