I have been pretty quiet on the dating front in the last couple of weeks due to attempting to get a fledgling romance to fly and as you can guess since I am back writing it dropped like a stone to the bottom of a millpond.
As you may realise after reading several of my discourses, I am genuinely trying to find someone crazy enough to spend time with me with a view to a relationship. So, when I date that is in the back of my mind. I don’t date to ‘have a good time’, or ‘hook up’ or get a free coffee, drink or dinner. I can have a good time with my friends and I can pay my own way thank you very much.
I am feeling a little like the fish John West rejects except eventually even that stupid animal will get caught on a line somewhere. I have had enough discussions with men which contain the words “it’s not you, it’s me” to finally accept that yes it is them. They have a variety of conditions that preclude participation in an actual relationship. So, without too much ado….I present the Scientist.
The Scientist and I met as all (good?) potential romances meet online. He contacted me and asked if I would be interested and then sent me a very long letter discussing of all things the infinite universe and finishing with “give me a mind to connect with”. This, of course was highly interesting and attractive to me. I gave him my number and after playing telephone tag actually talked to him on a Friday morning prior to an afternoon shift. He seemed quite normal and not a serial killer so we made plans to meet for a drink and some dancing on the Saturday night.
Like I said in my previous blog, I did all my predate panicking but as I only had a day to worry about this I didn’t have time to chicken out. I took pics of a variety of stuff and rang a trusted friend to decide what to wear. However, on reflection I don’t think it would have really mattered. I got a text when I got home asking if the date was tonight. I freaked as I thought he was pulling out. Anyway, I called and we were set to meet.
I turned up to the Kremlin Bar desperate for an espresso martini. I had just finished a shift and after decontaminating a relaxing drink is in order. I saw a tall guy lurking in the shadows by the door. I came in thinking “please don’t be a nerd!” I texted when I got to the bar and he sneaked up behind me and yes he was a nerd. Now, my initial feeling was run for the hills but I decided that I liked talking to him on the phone so what the hell?
We had a few drinks and tried to get into a club but due to him having sneakers on (WTF?) we couldn’t so, we had a drink at Tongue and Groove and headed back to mine for more drinks and tunes. We hung out all weekend and he even chucked a sickie on the Tuesday to go to a museum with me and thus we started to hang out in our spare time.
I liked his company. We had some great conversations but I felt that I was trying to overcompensate due to his lack of enthusiasm. He thought that just by being with me that should be enough. I wanted a meeting of the minds and bodies. He was happy to hold my hand or hug me or kiss me but unlike just about every other red blooded man I had ever been with he didn’t seem interested in anything else. So, the more he seemed uninterested the more I tried to make him interested and I can be very persuasive (just ask the hermit who had to go to church for four hours!)
We went away two weeks ago to the Snowys and spent a lovely weekend holed up in an isolated place where we were the only guests. Whilst there he admitted to me in case I didn’t realise that he hadn’t had a relationship for awhile. He had initially said he broke up with his gf 18 months ago. He eventually admitted it was SEVEN years ago! He also admitted that he found it difficult to connect with people and that after me telling him about the telephone call I had had with ‘rain man’ he was afraid I wouldn’t meet him. So, he misrepresented himself. Despite this I liked him and wanted to break down those barriers because I felt there was a really great guy underneath it all. It seems though after this revelation that he went further behind his wall.
That brings me to the last weekend. We had had a little text tiff in the week as after the weekend he had not contacted me or even bothered to reply to any text or message I had sent. He agreed to come over for dinner. Now let me tell you peeps, anyone who has known me for awhile realise that cooking is not something I do just for anyone. I have had friends for years who I have yet to cook for. As I once said to one critic “As far as I am concerned Cooking and Fucking are two Chinese cities that I won’t be visiting with you any time soon.”
We had dinner and wine and settled down (again) to watch some dvds. It was then that he started to pick. One thing I noted with him was that he liked to visit and would drink at least 2 bottles of wine thus making him non functional by the end of the night. The Scientist could be a hurtful drunk. He didn’t feel he had to put any effort in to dating as in his words “Chill the fuck out! I am here aren’t I?” He also said that he wasn’t going anywhere I suppose because he hadn’t really lined up anywhere better to be. This culminated in him sleeping on the couch. I tried to get him to bed but he lay there for five minutes and huffed and sighed. When I asked what was wrong he got up, got dressed and went back to the couch. In the morning he said it wasn’t working out, he didn’t feel any desire for me and after spending time with me he had come to realise that he didn’t want or need a relationship with any woman ever. WTF?? To be rejected is bad but to actually say that being with someone has turned you off having a relationship ever again is truly awful. I definitely think he has some sort of mental problem as he didn’t consider PRIOR to joining a dating site how his experiment would impact on the person he was using as his own personal lab rat. Whilst I am hurt and insulted by this behaviour, I know that there is nothing wrong with me because despite being a disaster at relationships I can connect with people. I can empathise and I can love and I can feel emotions due to my and other people’s behaviour.
I asked him why did he contact me when I expressly said that I was looking for a relationship? He said that as he hadn’t been with someone for seven years he felt he should see what was out there! So, he didn’t really want a relationship and used me to figure out how he felt! Nothing I could say would change his mind. He did not put anything of himself into this as he was using me to gauge his feelings for women and obviously he would rather be doing his important science work that actually having a life with another human being.
Admittedly, I had overcompensated for his lack of connection with me and I feel that he is fooling himself with all this bollocks about wanting to get to know me. It is a two way street buddy! You wanted to get to know me but you kept the shields up so I couldn’t get to know you. Furthermore, like the Hermit, his last relationship was a long distance one. I think sometimes these guys have a fantasy idea of a relationship and when they are confronted with a real woman with real needs they freak out.
I feel now that I am dating in order to ‘take one for the team’ and weed these guys out so none of you have to deal with this emotional fuckwittery. I am now doing this as a community service to all of womankind. Thus, I will date these guys and hopefully with my kindness, generosity and openness I will turn them off having a relationship to the extent that none of you will be bothered by them again.
In the meantime, here are some red flags for you all to consider when dating guys aged 35-45;
1. If they have not lived with a woman. being engaged, married or had a significant relationship (and I don’t mean ‘unrequited love’ as that is akin to stalking!) they are emotionally unavailable whether they know it or not
2. If their last relationship or even last two relationships were long distance relationships proceed with caution as they probably don’t want to emotionally engage on a day to day basis and potentially have a fantasy idea of what a relationship is
3. If they have not had any sexual contact with a person for over a year and still don’t seem keen for any physical contact, forget trying to date and suggest the friendzone straight up if you like their company.
4. If they say they want to have a relationship with you but do not reply to your texts or emails in the week unless it is to organise seeing you on the weekend it is not a relationship. What you are is a time filler. A relationship means that the other person actually wants to hear from you and it is not an inconvenience to be in contact.
5. Which brings me to if they do not initiate any contact then see point 4.
So, I am done with ‘renovator’s delights’ i.e. the guys I start seeing and give confidence to and teach them social and sexual skills just so they can dump me in order to find what they are really looking for. I am going to start listening to my gut much more and if I had done so, I would not have ended up as this guy’s social experiment.
So, dear readers, we have come to the part where my favourite word has to be said in a loud and proud voice “NEXT!”