I came home last night and was up burning the midnight oil putting an application in for another policy job here in the nation’s capital. I must of only had about 4 hours sleep when I woke up and insomnia took a hold. I flicked around facebook, looking at the latest cat memes which is appropriate for an up and coming cat lady when I decided to check my email. OMG! Not one of you would guess what I found. In fact, I had to read it twice as I thought it was a figment of my imagination. What is this strange mail that I have found? An email from the chef!
The significance of this is that he was my second husband. The basic story us is this – I left husband 1 and moved up to Queensland. I was almost 31 and he was 23. We got together, I bought an apartment, we got married and then 16 months in he ran off with my best friend of the time. I nearly lost my mind with grief and in the space of a month I lost my husband, best friend, job and had to move towns and sublet my flat to get a job. I subsequently moved to the Kingdom of Humanity aka Saudi Arabia. I returned in October 2008 in between contracts. I had been begging him to fill the divorce paperwork out and move on. I even offered to pay. He kept telling me the paperwork was in the mail and was living on the opposite side of the country with his Dutch backpacker girlfriend (my friend was long gone at this point).
After several phone calls between us, I got the shits and took the red eye from the West Coast to the East to personally hand deliver the papers. I got in at breakfast time, borrowed a mate’s car and headed to his place. The door was unlocked. I knocked and called out, going up the stairs to the main bedroom. I opened the door and this bird calls out “Who are you?” I replied “I’m chef’s wife, who are you?” Well this was very AWKWARD for her lol! I didn’t really care at all. I asked her where he was and she said at work. I then proceeded to let her into a few home truths about him. I said to her that I didn’t think she would believe me. I proceeded to look around the untidiness of the room pointing out stuff I had bought culminating with, “Even the doona you two fuck under was paid for by me. It’s good quality, enjoy!”. I then went out to find him.
Needless to say he was pissed off with me talking to her and proceeded to threaten me with breaking and entering (I entered, I didn’t break) and was absolutely evil to me. However, he did eventually sign the paperwork. After this emotional roller coaster I was too stressed that day to lodge the paperwork at the Court. On the second day I opened a bunch of my mail at my friend’s place. Within the mail was a few parking tickets for the car I had given him when I left to go to Saudi. All he had to do at the time was pay to change the rego and I had given him the signed paperwork. Of course he didn’t do this and I had had emails from the traffic infringement department whilst I was away and had even had to send a copy of my passport to prove I wasn’t even in the country when these incidents occurred. So, this really pissed me off. So much so that I rang a tow truck and went over to get the car from him and have it crushed.
When I turned up with my friend he was cooking dinner with her in a lovely little scene from all those crap romantic movies you see and want to barf your choc top up at. He came out with her and I told them to remove their shit from my car as I was taking it. The scene got nasty and as I was having it loaded on the back of a truck he said that he knew all these drug dealers who were in jail and he was going to tell them that my friend and I snitched on them! At this point, I did not give a damn for myself as I was back off overseas but my friend had a young child and was scared. He also said that he fudged our date of separation on the divorce papers in order to try and screw me for more settlement. So, next stop the cop shop to take out a Domestic Violence Order against him for the protection of myself and my friend. After this I went back to hers and changed my date of separation from him and had it witnessed the next day. Stupid bastard! He had thought I was in such a hurry to lodge the documents that I had already done it.
I then had to wait a day or so whilst the cops turned up at his place of work to serve the papers and on my final day in town I had to front up at Court with the other threatened wives. When we went in it was such a contrast. Here’s me, a Registered Nurse who works in a country where you cannot even get a glass of alcohol and him with a head like a robber’s dog! The Magistrate took one look at him and granted the order. I then went out for a celebratory lunch and massage with my friend and left town with my head held high. I had not seen hide nor hair of him since, until last night.
I can only think with his 33rd birthday and what would be our 8th anniversary fast approaching next month that he is feeling melancholy. Maybe, he has no one or maybe he thinks he can sucker me in again? I don’t know but I do know that I am not buying it. I sent a quick reply asking him how he is and where he is so we shall see what the deal is there.
This then lead me to thinking who have I loved and what have I learned? I am 40 now and can say that I have only loved 4 men, who on the whole turned out to be complete tools. So, in chronological order, I present – the lessons of my life.
Number One – The soldier. We met in my last year of high school. I thought he was so mature and fabulous and he was my first love. He left school, joined the Army and came back to town and shagged my then best friend. She, within the year got pregnant to a US Navy dude she had a one night stand with and gave birth before she turned 18. What I learned from this is the Army – not very smart but can lift heavy things lol! I should also have learned not to trust so called best friends who covet your partner.
Number Two – The husband. We met whilst I was in the Airforce in training. I picked him up at the local night club Coco’s which was an absolutely fine venue in downtown Wagga Wagga. I asked him what he was doing for seven weeks and he replied nothing. So I then asked if he would like a purely sexual relationship in which he replied ok. We were together 12 years! I have nothing but respect for him. Maybe if I had met him now things would have been different but I was far too immature at 20 to get married and have kids. I decided on my 30th birthday that if I was not going to give him children that year that I would leave so he could find someone who would. He is happily remarried as far as I know and when I got my first legal job I wrote him a letter telling him I had finished (as I started it with him) and thanking him for all the support he gave me in our time together. Truly, a great guy who I wish the best to. I learned that relationships cannot survive cheating and lying and that I need to be with someone with more backbone to stand up to me. Also whilst friendship is important in a relationship there has to be some romance sometime!
Number three – the chef. I met him almost as soon as I left the husband. He was young (a whole dog year younger than me) 23 and I was almost 31. I had never partied like he partied and proceeded to regain my youth. We stayed out all night and watched the sun come up drinking wine on the balcony. We went to amazing after parties where there were six DJs, fire dancers and scores of people from the wee small hours until after lunch. We were living it large. However, as you can see all ‘good’ things come to an end. We had our first anniversary together and he had my name tattooed across his heart (sucker!). When he left and I lost everything (see above paragraphs), I also lost about 10kg in a month because I couldn’t afford food. I looked FAABBULLOUS! The lessons learned here was ‘Karma is a bitch’ because I thought I deserved this due to the way I left my husband. You can’t fix other people’s issues and this reinforced be wary of any woman who wants to spend time with your partner without you around (reinforcing what I should have learned from the beginning)
Number four – the Canadian psychopath (aka The International Man of Mystery) I had had a break from relationships after the chef as I just couldn’t deal with it. In the words of Gotye ‘Your Heart’s a Mess’ I was severely traumatised by the break up with the chef and descended into working about 60 hours a week to pay the unpaid bills he helped accumulate and to not have to think how shit my life was. Then I went to Saudi Arabia. I met this guy at the Australian Embassy. He was with his so called girlfriend trout pout (called this due to a nasty round of botox). They were both substantially older than me (13 years). Anyway it turned out that she had been seeing a married guy who was home with the family and was looking to have IMOM fill his shoes. I then bumped into him three weeks later and he was alone. We spent three days together and then he disappeared back to Canada for about six weeks. Our first date was five days for my birthday at the Raffles in Dubai. He also bought me a Hermes scarf. He was the most romantic guy I had ever been with and I fell hard. He disappeared without warning again a few months later and appeared as if nothing happened. I should have dumped him them but he can charm the birds from the sky. We lived together at his compound until I left to return to Oz to complete my law degree. The first year I was back everything appeared to be fine and then he started becoming uncontactable on weekends and vague as to what he was doing. He defriended me on facebook when I was his girlfriend as I noticed only nine pics of me and 25 of horsegirl. I put on his wall ‘Is it horse or whore riding?’ as that was what he told me he got up to. He made plans to see me and broke them a heap of times. He took me to Canada where I met his parents last year all the while carrying on a relationship with horsegirl in Saudi. He said he didn’t want to get married again even though that was the only way I could go back to Saudi as I just couldn’t work for the arabs again. He made arrangements to see me in Abu Dhabi just this year because I am the only one he really loves and then broke them as he couldn’t be unfaithful to her (again?). These are only a few highlights from the psychotic mess that man made in my life. I have now removed myself permanently from this toxic situation. What did I learn here? Heaps! Where do I start?
1. Once a cheat, always a cheat (ie he cheated on trout pout with me and he cheated on me with horsegirl and who knows how many others and will continue to cheat when and if he gets the chance)
2. Long distance romances never work;
3. Never get involved with ‘separated’ people as they have not sorted their pasts (he was separated when I met him in 2007 and remains just that to this day as far as I know);
4. Trust your gut instinct. If you think they are cheating they probably are;
5. If someone is a ‘closed book’ walk away fast they obviously have stuff to hide;
6. If it’s too good to be true, it probably is;
7. You can’t fix other people’s issues (this was reinforced after I obviously ignored it after the chef). I used to think the only person this psycho loves is himself but I don’t think his self esteem is too flash as he used to say I was too good for him. He is the one that has gone from relationship to relationship not ending any of them decently just fucking around time and time again.
8. I am worthy of so much more;
9. Do not waste time trying to ‘work things out’
10. My mental health and self esteem are paramount. Anyone in my life that threatens these needs to go.
Far out, I have never catalogued these disasters before, not even in my own mind! What was I thinking? The truth is, I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking about my own self. I was thinking about the other person and their happiness. Unfortunately, when we are kids we are told to not be selfish and now I have found that this is to my detriment. If I had been more selfish I would not have allowed myself to end up in these situations.
Life is too short to put up with situations that can’t or won’t enhance your life. Relationships are supposed to flow and each of you are supposed to be mindful of the other. I suppose I am jaded now (as the pompous twat who gave me ‘feedback’ on a date accused me of being). Is it too much to hope that one can attain a decent, caring, loving relationship in these times where everybody’s lives are complicated?
Some of you out there are probably in relationships that were once fabulous and have now become more like platonic friends or are afraid to leave as it is better the devil you know. Think on this, either put some effort in to the relationship you have or leave so both of you have a chance at some happiness. Life is short and time is precious. The time you waste on people who you know deep down are not satisfying you (be honest, do you really love your spouse?) cuts in to the time you can have with someone that rocks your world. So, from now on I choose me. I choose my happiness and my life over others and if that is selfish… well all I say is that I would rather live in truth and not be happy all the time then live a lie and never be truly happy.
With that in mind, dear readers, it is time to put the warpaint on and face the day!
Until next time