The latest thought to invade my brain like a thousand termites to the stumps of a Queenslander home is – can you actually remain friends with an ex? There is obvious reasons why they are an ex, basically one or both of you have decided that the romance is going absolutely nowhere but my friends there is a continuum with respect to this and therefore there can be friendships made from disastrous affairs.
I must preface this with any partner that has lied about the big things (especially if it wasn’t a big thing lol), cheated on you, stole from you, used your credit inappropriately, damaged your property deliberately in a fit of pique and or all of the above has to go. These are big ticket no nos. These transgressions erode trust and even a friendship requires this. So, if the ex cheated on you with your best friend or for that matter any friend or relative and maxxed your credit card then they have to be avoided at all costs, do not pass go or collect $200. Any person that has given you either STD (Sexually Transmitted Debt or Disease) has to go.
However, there are the exes who may actually be better friends than lovers to you. The obvious ones are the ones who ‘come out’ to you. Once you get over the hurt and the tears they are potentially great shopping companions and whilst being a ‘fruit fly’ you can gad about at some faaabbuloouss parties!
The next one is where you both decide that the relationship is at an end. You both wake up one day and it just isn’t progressing for whatever reason e.g. you are in Australia and they are in outer Mongolia for the next ten years. In this case you may get a great pen pal and a place to crash on your next round the world holiday. Or closer to home, you have woken up and found that the relationship isn’t progressing and the other party is honest enough to you to say that they just cannot commit (and you can’t get them committed). This scenario is happening all over the place to the people of Gen X. A lot of them have worked for years to get their careers going and then find they are around 40 and they want a ‘relationship’. They then go out to get said relationship and find someone. The person they meet is probably a nice specimen of what they think they want but they actually don’t know what it is they want because they have never really thought about it. The relationship starts with the veneer of all other relationships but over a few months it becomes plain to one or both of the parties that it is actually a facsimile of a proper relationship.
This is when the ‘trying’ begins. Let’s go out. Let’s invite Bob and Kelly over for dinner like other couples do. Let’s get matching tracksuits and go to the markets every Sunday. It becomes a case of let’s do anything to try and make this a relationship. Eventually, one or both parties after working harder than the little engine that could throws the towel in and decides to end it.
The shock, initially would be like a proper relationship. One grieves over the life they had projected onto the relationship but eventually in the cold light of day both parties can honestly say that it just had no soul. Neither of you are Satan’s little helper but as Forrest said you don’t go together like peas and carrots.
Now what? Do you do the typical break up? Do you exchange stuff and not talk again? Whilst this person is not your perfect match you actually did like their company and it would be a waste to never speak to them again just because the romance is dead. You have a bit of history together, you may even have mutual friends and spent time with their family. There is a place for this and it is called “the Friendzone”.
Most people when sent to the frozen wasteland that is the ‘friendzone’ become depressed as they know they will never get you hot and naked or even see your pink bits EVER! However, this person has and both of you in a mutual decision have decided that it won’t happen again. Thus there is never going to be the sexual tension that often occurs when you ‘friendzone’ someone.
I have to say this has occurred in my life. I was dating the very solid, respectable engineer for about six months. He is a great guy and I enjoy his company. I felt I was turning into a ‘Stepford wife’ being with him and he couldn’t commit but other than that we have shared some good times together. Initially it was a little awkward until we sorted the boundaries but I have to say as lovers we make great friends.
A case in point is a couple of weeks ago I caught up with him whilst getting over the hangover and the sparky one afternoon for coffee which eventually led to dinner as he had some leftovers and I happily went home to watch tv. As he has been away, I promised him a meal on his return. Now, those of you who have known me for more than three seconds know I don’t really cook for people. I have had friends of years standing that can count the times I have cooked for them on one hand and some not at all (I sincerely apologise for my oversight and will get around to poisoning you in due course lol!) On Monday, I decided to do what most singles do and make a bunch of stuff that I would freeze and eat over the intervening weeks. Anyway, as I remembered my promise, I invited him to dinner.
He popped in straight from work. I poured a drink for us and we chatted about what we are doing in our lives. He is doing a bunch of geneology research and I am checking out the genes of the zygotes that attend the clubs lol! He is a very responsible tax payer who is very conservative and I chafe at the thought of ever being beige. As you can see whilst people say opposites attract, I would say polar opposites exist nicely in the friendzone which is the arctic wasteland of romance.
After dinner, he mentioned he had some free tickets to the movies. So, as I work shift I suggest that we go the following night. Thus on Tuesday I met him after work at his place, had a drink, dinner and chat followed by a movie which I picked and despite himself I think he enjoyed and then I dropped him off at home and went on my merry way. I didn’t ask for a nightcap or a coffee or anything. I said I would send him a text soon and he said ok.
Isn’t this great?! The only slightly uncomfortable part of our newly born friendzone relationship is that HE feels uncomfortable when I talk about my extracurricular activities. He tells me he goes on dates and I am perfectly fine about it. I tell him about what I get up to and he says it is too much information. This brings me to another point, if you are my friend you should like me warts and all. I said that to him, that to be my friend he should be aware of all aspects of my life. You can’t just pick and choose I say. Is this the case? Should I apply censorship rules to our relationship and keep it ‘G’ rated? If he is in the friendzone should he really care? This is stuff that I ponder. Though I must admit to you, my dear readers, he has no idea about the blog (whilst I am having a little digression, I would like to thank you all for listening to my rants about the ridiculousness of single life when you are 40. Some of you are married and are sitting there saying ‘Thank God this is not me!’ and others of you are laughing your arses off I am sure!).
Therefore, in summary, if a romance dies but the other party has not mortally wounded your heart, the friendzone could be for you. Let’s face it, a friend who knows you as intimately as an ex but has not used there powers for evil could be a decent friend and you can’t have too many of them.
WIth that in mind, goodnight peeps, be cool and if in doubt remember our favourite word here – NEXT!