Tonight’s musings is on the age old question – What do men want as well as intricacies of internet dating.
What do men want? I have decided to actually do a bit of digging on this topic. So, every time I have a date I am going to ask this question. A couple of times this week I have been talking to members of the opposite sex and it is amazing that most of them really have no clue. Whilst I have been trying to learn from the past and not repeat previous mistakes and actually think about what breed of cat oops type of man I am looking for, they constantly surprise me with their lack of criteria. Having said that I was emailing a military pilot and he has so many criteria there was just no way anyone would have fit them.
If they have no criteria, how will they know when they have found ‘the one’? The answer to that is they won’t. This is the age old ‘grass is greener on the other side of the fence’ issue. Most guys will then meet a fabulous woman who would be great for them but they are scared of committing because what if they miss out on some other fabulous woman? Thus they end up with no woman or someone who will do and the fabulous woman ends up sheltering several tabbies in her old age wondering where it all went wrong?
How we meet these days is in a very artificial way and thus both parties have their shields in place from the beginning so the person you meet might not necessarily resemble the real person. Also the weight of expectations when one goes on one of these dates could potentially kill any chance of having a relationship with this new person as you basically come across either desperate, a dick or a desperate dick!
However, it is hard to manage expectation, we are human after all. You read a profile and it says they like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain and you think “oh they are SO right for me” and then you make contact with them and they say they are a (insert occupation) and they like to do (insert whatever the hell it is that you are interested in) and all of a sudden you are already dreaming about holidays together etc. You then decide to call or skype and talk for a bit to get a vibe of what they are like and then you have to meet or not to meet? That is the question.
It is at this point that panic potentially will set in. What if I meet them and they hate me? What if they are not what they said they were on their profile? What if they are what they said on their profile? What if I like them and they don’t like me? What if they like me and I don’t like them? What if they are crap in bed etc etc etc until your head wants to explode!
Dating an unknown, potential stalker or serial killer could be on the cards. Yay! If you want to be a headline in the news inviting strangers anywhere near your abode could get you there. Thus you decide to pick a neutral place in town. Will it be coffee, drinks after work, dinner? What does this choice say about the person? If it is coffee or brunch it says that they want to check you out before deciding if you are worth spending any reasonable amount of time with. So, a coffee date or brunch can end and your Friday or Saturday night hasn’t been wasted with someone you are not interested in.
Drinks after work says that you are busy and are booked out on the weekend so yet again before I reschedule my life I want to check you out first. Also after work means that there is a bit of time limit on the date as most people want to be in bed by 1030pm for work the next day. Also early morning meetings are a good excuse to cut a really boring date short. I have been known to cut and run after an hour or so stating that I have to be up at 530am so need to go home early.
Dinner, Mmm now there is a chance, Dinner suggests that a person wants to take some leisurely time to know you. This may be scary for you and you may prefer option one or two. Personally, I have only had a handful of dinner dates in my life so if any of you have done this let me know. Dinner could be really great if you have a rapport with someone, or could be a total disaster which could be funny and add to your own collections of war stories.
After settling on a date, you then start to worry about what the hell to wear. What are you saying about yourself if you wear an LBD or jeans or a low cut top? This is a problem because first impressions count and potentially you want them to see you as a sexy, but not slutty, gorgeous woman who they want to know. You then go through your whole wardrobe discounting everything you own and start thinking about cancelling because you can’t possibly lose 5kg by the weekend!
You then decide to pull out ‘the old faithful’. An outfit that you feel relatively fab in and has been known to work and won’t get you locked up if you happen to linger on a street corner for five or ten minutes. If you have managed to get this far, the date has the potential to actually occur failing cancellation due to meteor shower or the fact he has better plans.
The day comes, you dress up and go and after several furtive text find him in the bar, pub, gallery, whatever public place you have decided on. Is your heart aflutter with OMG he is so HOT or sinking with OMG is he wearing a toupee? You sit down and talk for a bit before ordering said drinks and within approximately 20 minutes you have decided whether he could be the potential father of your children or that you should have stayed home and scrubbed the oven out as it hasn’t been done since you moved in 18 months ago.
If you like him you will agonize over if he likes you and wants to see you again and if you don’t like him you will agonize over how to cut this short so you can still get home in time for (insert favourite tv program here).
Continue this cycle indefinitely until you find ‘the one’, settle or buy multiple cats!
I myself went through this for awhile until I decided that I was going to treat every internet date as the opportunity to meet a new friend or contact in my town. I do not agonize (too much) over what to wear and I am more thinking about the opportunity to meet a person who might like the same things and want to just ‘hang out’ for a time. This slight change in my mindset has helped enormously. I am no longer worried about the date per se. I am more concerned with wasting my time if I just don’t like them. That to me is more annoying. I also now feel I no longer have to censure myself. I can express myself fully without worrying that my opinion will not be to their liking and therefore they will not want me. This gives me the freedom to be me and it also means I don’t really care whether they like me or not. Of course it is disappointing when someone you like doesn’t like you but in the majority of cases as I said from the beginning I would rather spend time at the gynaecologists than deal with some of the pompous asses I have been bored to death with in recent times.
So, peeps, Be yourself! Your opinion matters! If they don’t like it, use the Jojogrrl’s favourite four letter word – NEXT!
Until next time funsters, be cool and don’t take life too seriously!