Monthly Archives: August 2013
I came home last night and was up burning the midnight oil putting an application in for another policy job here in the nation’s capital. I must of only had about 4 hours sleep when I woke up and insomnia took a hold. I flicked around facebook, looking at the latest cat memes which is appropriate for an up and coming cat lady when I decided to check my email. OMG! Not one of you would guess what I found. In fact, I had to read it twice as I thought it was a figment of my imagination. What is this strange mail that I have found? An email from the chef!
The significance of this is that he was my second husband. The basic story us is this – I left husband 1 and moved up to Queensland. I was almost 31 and he was 23. We got together, I bought an apartment, we got married and then 16 months in he ran off with my best friend of the time. I nearly lost my mind with grief and in the space of a month I lost my husband, best friend, job and had to move towns and sublet my flat to get a job. I subsequently moved to the Kingdom of Humanity aka Saudi Arabia. I returned in October 2008 in between contracts. I had been begging him to fill the divorce paperwork out and move on. I even offered to pay. He kept telling me the paperwork was in the mail and was living on the opposite side of the country with his Dutch backpacker girlfriend (my friend was long gone at this point).
After several phone calls between us, I got the shits and took the red eye from the West Coast to the East to personally hand deliver the papers. I got in at breakfast time, borrowed a mate’s car and headed to his place. The door was unlocked. I knocked and called out, going up the stairs to the main bedroom. I opened the door and this bird calls out “Who are you?” I replied “I’m chef’s wife, who are you?” Well this was very AWKWARD for her lol! I didn’t really care at all. I asked her where he was and she said at work. I then proceeded to let her into a few home truths about him. I said to her that I didn’t think she would believe me. I proceeded to look around the untidiness of the room pointing out stuff I had bought culminating with, “Even the doona you two fuck under was paid for by me. It’s good quality, enjoy!”. I then went out to find him.
Needless to say he was pissed off with me talking to her and proceeded to threaten me with breaking and entering (I entered, I didn’t break) and was absolutely evil to me. However, he did eventually sign the paperwork. After this emotional roller coaster I was too stressed that day to lodge the paperwork at the Court. On the second day I opened a bunch of my mail at my friend’s place. Within the mail was a few parking tickets for the car I had given him when I left to go to Saudi. All he had to do at the time was pay to change the rego and I had given him the signed paperwork. Of course he didn’t do this and I had had emails from the traffic infringement department whilst I was away and had even had to send a copy of my passport to prove I wasn’t even in the country when these incidents occurred. So, this really pissed me off. So much so that I rang a tow truck and went over to get the car from him and have it crushed.
When I turned up with my friend he was cooking dinner with her in a lovely little scene from all those crap romantic movies you see and want to barf your choc top up at. He came out with her and I told them to remove their shit from my car as I was taking it. The scene got nasty and as I was having it loaded on the back of a truck he said that he knew all these drug dealers who were in jail and he was going to tell them that my friend and I snitched on them! At this point, I did not give a damn for myself as I was back off overseas but my friend had a young child and was scared. He also said that he fudged our date of separation on the divorce papers in order to try and screw me for more settlement. So, next stop the cop shop to take out a Domestic Violence Order against him for the protection of myself and my friend. After this I went back to hers and changed my date of separation from him and had it witnessed the next day. Stupid bastard! He had thought I was in such a hurry to lodge the documents that I had already done it.
I then had to wait a day or so whilst the cops turned up at his place of work to serve the papers and on my final day in town I had to front up at Court with the other threatened wives. When we went in it was such a contrast. Here’s me, a Registered Nurse who works in a country where you cannot even get a glass of alcohol and him with a head like a robber’s dog! The Magistrate took one look at him and granted the order. I then went out for a celebratory lunch and massage with my friend and left town with my head held high. I had not seen hide nor hair of him since, until last night.
I can only think with his 33rd birthday and what would be our 8th anniversary fast approaching next month that he is feeling melancholy. Maybe, he has no one or maybe he thinks he can sucker me in again? I don’t know but I do know that I am not buying it. I sent a quick reply asking him how he is and where he is so we shall see what the deal is there.
This then lead me to thinking who have I loved and what have I learned? I am 40 now and can say that I have only loved 4 men, who on the whole turned out to be complete tools. So, in chronological order, I present – the lessons of my life.
Number One – The soldier. We met in my last year of high school. I thought he was so mature and fabulous and he was my first love. He left school, joined the Army and came back to town and shagged my then best friend. She, within the year got pregnant to a US Navy dude she had a one night stand with and gave birth before she turned 18. What I learned from this is the Army – not very smart but can lift heavy things lol! I should also have learned not to trust so called best friends who covet your partner.
Number Two – The husband. We met whilst I was in the Airforce in training. I picked him up at the local night club Coco’s which was an absolutely fine venue in downtown Wagga Wagga. I asked him what he was doing for seven weeks and he replied nothing. So I then asked if he would like a purely sexual relationship in which he replied ok. We were together 12 years! I have nothing but respect for him. Maybe if I had met him now things would have been different but I was far too immature at 20 to get married and have kids. I decided on my 30th birthday that if I was not going to give him children that year that I would leave so he could find someone who would. He is happily remarried as far as I know and when I got my first legal job I wrote him a letter telling him I had finished (as I started it with him) and thanking him for all the support he gave me in our time together. Truly, a great guy who I wish the best to. I learned that relationships cannot survive cheating and lying and that I need to be with someone with more backbone to stand up to me. Also whilst friendship is important in a relationship there has to be some romance sometime!
Number three – the chef. I met him almost as soon as I left the husband. He was young (a whole dog year younger than me) 23 and I was almost 31. I had never partied like he partied and proceeded to regain my youth. We stayed out all night and watched the sun come up drinking wine on the balcony. We went to amazing after parties where there were six DJs, fire dancers and scores of people from the wee small hours until after lunch. We were living it large. However, as you can see all ‘good’ things come to an end. We had our first anniversary together and he had my name tattooed across his heart (sucker!). When he left and I lost everything (see above paragraphs), I also lost about 10kg in a month because I couldn’t afford food. I looked FAABBULLOUS! The lessons learned here was ‘Karma is a bitch’ because I thought I deserved this due to the way I left my husband. You can’t fix other people’s issues and this reinforced be wary of any woman who wants to spend time with your partner without you around (reinforcing what I should have learned from the beginning)
Number four – the Canadian psychopath (aka The International Man of Mystery) I had had a break from relationships after the chef as I just couldn’t deal with it. In the words of Gotye ‘Your Heart’s a Mess’ I was severely traumatised by the break up with the chef and descended into working about 60 hours a week to pay the unpaid bills he helped accumulate and to not have to think how shit my life was. Then I went to Saudi Arabia. I met this guy at the Australian Embassy. He was with his so called girlfriend trout pout (called this due to a nasty round of botox). They were both substantially older than me (13 years). Anyway it turned out that she had been seeing a married guy who was home with the family and was looking to have IMOM fill his shoes. I then bumped into him three weeks later and he was alone. We spent three days together and then he disappeared back to Canada for about six weeks. Our first date was five days for my birthday at the Raffles in Dubai. He also bought me a Hermes scarf. He was the most romantic guy I had ever been with and I fell hard. He disappeared without warning again a few months later and appeared as if nothing happened. I should have dumped him them but he can charm the birds from the sky. We lived together at his compound until I left to return to Oz to complete my law degree. The first year I was back everything appeared to be fine and then he started becoming uncontactable on weekends and vague as to what he was doing. He defriended me on facebook when I was his girlfriend as I noticed only nine pics of me and 25 of horsegirl. I put on his wall ‘Is it horse or whore riding?’ as that was what he told me he got up to. He made plans to see me and broke them a heap of times. He took me to Canada where I met his parents last year all the while carrying on a relationship with horsegirl in Saudi. He said he didn’t want to get married again even though that was the only way I could go back to Saudi as I just couldn’t work for the arabs again. He made arrangements to see me in Abu Dhabi just this year because I am the only one he really loves and then broke them as he couldn’t be unfaithful to her (again?). These are only a few highlights from the psychotic mess that man made in my life. I have now removed myself permanently from this toxic situation. What did I learn here? Heaps! Where do I start?
1. Once a cheat, always a cheat (ie he cheated on trout pout with me and he cheated on me with horsegirl and who knows how many others and will continue to cheat when and if he gets the chance)
2. Long distance romances never work;
3. Never get involved with ‘separated’ people as they have not sorted their pasts (he was separated when I met him in 2007 and remains just that to this day as far as I know);
4. Trust your gut instinct. If you think they are cheating they probably are;
5. If someone is a ‘closed book’ walk away fast they obviously have stuff to hide;
6. If it’s too good to be true, it probably is;
7. You can’t fix other people’s issues (this was reinforced after I obviously ignored it after the chef). I used to think the only person this psycho loves is himself but I don’t think his self esteem is too flash as he used to say I was too good for him. He is the one that has gone from relationship to relationship not ending any of them decently just fucking around time and time again.
8. I am worthy of so much more;
9. Do not waste time trying to ‘work things out’
10. My mental health and self esteem are paramount. Anyone in my life that threatens these needs to go.
Far out, I have never catalogued these disasters before, not even in my own mind! What was I thinking? The truth is, I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking about my own self. I was thinking about the other person and their happiness. Unfortunately, when we are kids we are told to not be selfish and now I have found that this is to my detriment. If I had been more selfish I would not have allowed myself to end up in these situations.
Life is too short to put up with situations that can’t or won’t enhance your life. Relationships are supposed to flow and each of you are supposed to be mindful of the other. I suppose I am jaded now (as the pompous twat who gave me ‘feedback’ on a date accused me of being). Is it too much to hope that one can attain a decent, caring, loving relationship in these times where everybody’s lives are complicated?
Some of you out there are probably in relationships that were once fabulous and have now become more like platonic friends or are afraid to leave as it is better the devil you know. Think on this, either put some effort in to the relationship you have or leave so both of you have a chance at some happiness. Life is short and time is precious. The time you waste on people who you know deep down are not satisfying you (be honest, do you really love your spouse?) cuts in to the time you can have with someone that rocks your world. So, from now on I choose me. I choose my happiness and my life over others and if that is selfish… well all I say is that I would rather live in truth and not be happy all the time then live a lie and never be truly happy.
With that in mind, dear readers, it is time to put the warpaint on and face the day!
Until next time
The latest thought to invade my brain like a thousand termites to the stumps of a Queenslander home is – can you actually remain friends with an ex? There is obvious reasons why they are an ex, basically one or both of you have decided that the romance is going absolutely nowhere but my friends there is a continuum with respect to this and therefore there can be friendships made from disastrous affairs.
I must preface this with any partner that has lied about the big things (especially if it wasn’t a big thing lol), cheated on you, stole from you, used your credit inappropriately, damaged your property deliberately in a fit of pique and or all of the above has to go. These are big ticket no nos. These transgressions erode trust and even a friendship requires this. So, if the ex cheated on you with your best friend or for that matter any friend or relative and maxxed your credit card then they have to be avoided at all costs, do not pass go or collect $200. Any person that has given you either STD (Sexually Transmitted Debt or Disease) has to go.
However, there are the exes who may actually be better friends than lovers to you. The obvious ones are the ones who ‘come out’ to you. Once you get over the hurt and the tears they are potentially great shopping companions and whilst being a ‘fruit fly’ you can gad about at some faaabbuloouss parties!
The next one is where you both decide that the relationship is at an end. You both wake up one day and it just isn’t progressing for whatever reason e.g. you are in Australia and they are in outer Mongolia for the next ten years. In this case you may get a great pen pal and a place to crash on your next round the world holiday. Or closer to home, you have woken up and found that the relationship isn’t progressing and the other party is honest enough to you to say that they just cannot commit (and you can’t get them committed). This scenario is happening all over the place to the people of Gen X. A lot of them have worked for years to get their careers going and then find they are around 40 and they want a ‘relationship’. They then go out to get said relationship and find someone. The person they meet is probably a nice specimen of what they think they want but they actually don’t know what it is they want because they have never really thought about it. The relationship starts with the veneer of all other relationships but over a few months it becomes plain to one or both of the parties that it is actually a facsimile of a proper relationship.
This is when the ‘trying’ begins. Let’s go out. Let’s invite Bob and Kelly over for dinner like other couples do. Let’s get matching tracksuits and go to the markets every Sunday. It becomes a case of let’s do anything to try and make this a relationship. Eventually, one or both parties after working harder than the little engine that could throws the towel in and decides to end it.
The shock, initially would be like a proper relationship. One grieves over the life they had projected onto the relationship but eventually in the cold light of day both parties can honestly say that it just had no soul. Neither of you are Satan’s little helper but as Forrest said you don’t go together like peas and carrots.
Now what? Do you do the typical break up? Do you exchange stuff and not talk again? Whilst this person is not your perfect match you actually did like their company and it would be a waste to never speak to them again just because the romance is dead. You have a bit of history together, you may even have mutual friends and spent time with their family. There is a place for this and it is called “the Friendzone”.
Most people when sent to the frozen wasteland that is the ‘friendzone’ become depressed as they know they will never get you hot and naked or even see your pink bits EVER! However, this person has and both of you in a mutual decision have decided that it won’t happen again. Thus there is never going to be the sexual tension that often occurs when you ‘friendzone’ someone.
I have to say this has occurred in my life. I was dating the very solid, respectable engineer for about six months. He is a great guy and I enjoy his company. I felt I was turning into a ‘Stepford wife’ being with him and he couldn’t commit but other than that we have shared some good times together. Initially it was a little awkward until we sorted the boundaries but I have to say as lovers we make great friends.
A case in point is a couple of weeks ago I caught up with him whilst getting over the hangover and the sparky one afternoon for coffee which eventually led to dinner as he had some leftovers and I happily went home to watch tv. As he has been away, I promised him a meal on his return. Now, those of you who have known me for more than three seconds know I don’t really cook for people. I have had friends of years standing that can count the times I have cooked for them on one hand and some not at all (I sincerely apologise for my oversight and will get around to poisoning you in due course lol!) On Monday, I decided to do what most singles do and make a bunch of stuff that I would freeze and eat over the intervening weeks. Anyway, as I remembered my promise, I invited him to dinner.
He popped in straight from work. I poured a drink for us and we chatted about what we are doing in our lives. He is doing a bunch of geneology research and I am checking out the genes of the zygotes that attend the clubs lol! He is a very responsible tax payer who is very conservative and I chafe at the thought of ever being beige. As you can see whilst people say opposites attract, I would say polar opposites exist nicely in the friendzone which is the arctic wasteland of romance.
After dinner, he mentioned he had some free tickets to the movies. So, as I work shift I suggest that we go the following night. Thus on Tuesday I met him after work at his place, had a drink, dinner and chat followed by a movie which I picked and despite himself I think he enjoyed and then I dropped him off at home and went on my merry way. I didn’t ask for a nightcap or a coffee or anything. I said I would send him a text soon and he said ok.
Isn’t this great?! The only slightly uncomfortable part of our newly born friendzone relationship is that HE feels uncomfortable when I talk about my extracurricular activities. He tells me he goes on dates and I am perfectly fine about it. I tell him about what I get up to and he says it is too much information. This brings me to another point, if you are my friend you should like me warts and all. I said that to him, that to be my friend he should be aware of all aspects of my life. You can’t just pick and choose I say. Is this the case? Should I apply censorship rules to our relationship and keep it ‘G’ rated? If he is in the friendzone should he really care? This is stuff that I ponder. Though I must admit to you, my dear readers, he has no idea about the blog (whilst I am having a little digression, I would like to thank you all for listening to my rants about the ridiculousness of single life when you are 40. Some of you are married and are sitting there saying ‘Thank God this is not me!’ and others of you are laughing your arses off I am sure!).
Therefore, in summary, if a romance dies but the other party has not mortally wounded your heart, the friendzone could be for you. Let’s face it, a friend who knows you as intimately as an ex but has not used there powers for evil could be a decent friend and you can’t have too many of them.
WIth that in mind, goodnight peeps, be cool and if in doubt remember our favourite word here – NEXT!
Hi there peeps!
Been a bit quiet in recent weeks due to looking after my health and attempting to get my career in order whilst working afternoons at the hospital. Anyway, I did manage to snag a brunch with the builder. The builder was a little older than me, two teenagers and appeared quite fit and healthy. We met at the local coffee shop mid morning as I had a shift at the hospital in the afternoon. I decided that I would actually go and have brunch. Maybe this was to my detriment. I could tell whilst I perused the menu that he was probably thinking ‘I am not going to pay for that’. I didn’t expect him to pay for anything to be honest and I was a bit hungry. There for me is a dilemma, should he or I pay? I am quite happy to pay my way as I always have but I could see that he was happy to pay if I kept it to coffee. In the end I decided on some banana bread with mascapone which he also chose.
OMG, it was like a job interview! I asked him how long he had lived here and he said about 20 years. I asked him what he liked to do on the weekends? He said ride his bike. I told him I liked to go out and party. I could see his brow furrow. It was relief when after the coffee and banana bread he said he had a meeting to go to. He paid for ‘brunch’ gave me the social kiss goodbye and left. I checked my watch and saw it was 45 minutes from beginning to end! That was fine with me as I had some shopping to do lol!
I had another date set up with ‘rain man’. Rain man was a 43 year old professional who sent me the longest introduction letter known to man. I replied and this set off a long discourse on a variety of societal issues. It became a pissing contest really and he had the hide to correct my ‘facts’ though he did give me points for raising some ‘interesting’ points! WTF?! Anyway, we exchanged telephone numbers in order to arrange a meeting. It was at this point he tells me he doesn’t have a mobile! What do you mean you don’t have a mobile? Even four year olds in outer Mongolia have one! I asked him was he some kind of spy? Was he on the secret service’s watch list? Apparently he just doesn’t like them. I actually do have stuff to do in the week and he said he would call me mid week. The night he decided to call I had gone to the tattoo artist’s to have a remodel and recolour and was running late. I called him back whereby we commenced an intellectual conversation whilst I froze my arse off in the car as it is the middle of winter here. Amongst topics discussed was ‘children’. I pointed out to him that if he hadn’t had any by now chances are he had missed the boat. He said that he thought he would be a great parent and I said in what way? It turned out that because he was educated he thought he would be great at it but I countered with the fact that he looked at it as a concept and not in real terms. It appears like most men who like the idea of children that he had not exactly thought the whole idea through. I said that they don’t come all wrapped up in clean bundles of blankets and that whilst they can give you great happiness and joy (all parents assure me of this whilst looking like hell due to worry and lack of sleep lol!) they are noisy, messy and ruin your routine. It was at this point he confided that he had Aspergers! Well then, I said, you are really fucked then because children will definitely fuck up your life and if you have OCD tendencies they will make your head explode. He then paused and said he hadn’t actually thought of it in this way.
I asked him when was the last time he had a relationship? He then asked me to define the word! So, I said to him it is the usual, general definition and then he asked if unrequited love counted?! NO!! it has to be an EXCHANGE between two mutually accepting human beings. He said he thought maybe sometime in the late 90s for about two weeks. OMG!!
So, to summarise this exchange – a guy with Aspergers who is a hermit and born again virgin with vague ideas about producing children (who potentially will have his Aspergers!) What could I say about this tempting little offer but my favourite four letter word – NEXT!
Tonight’s musings is on the age old question – What do men want as well as intricacies of internet dating.
What do men want? I have decided to actually do a bit of digging on this topic. So, every time I have a date I am going to ask this question. A couple of times this week I have been talking to members of the opposite sex and it is amazing that most of them really have no clue. Whilst I have been trying to learn from the past and not repeat previous mistakes and actually think about what breed of cat oops type of man I am looking for, they constantly surprise me with their lack of criteria. Having said that I was emailing a military pilot and he has so many criteria there was just no way anyone would have fit them.
If they have no criteria, how will they know when they have found ‘the one’? The answer to that is they won’t. This is the age old ‘grass is greener on the other side of the fence’ issue. Most guys will then meet a fabulous woman who would be great for them but they are scared of committing because what if they miss out on some other fabulous woman? Thus they end up with no woman or someone who will do and the fabulous woman ends up sheltering several tabbies in her old age wondering where it all went wrong?
How we meet these days is in a very artificial way and thus both parties have their shields in place from the beginning so the person you meet might not necessarily resemble the real person. Also the weight of expectations when one goes on one of these dates could potentially kill any chance of having a relationship with this new person as you basically come across either desperate, a dick or a desperate dick!
However, it is hard to manage expectation, we are human after all. You read a profile and it says they like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain and you think “oh they are SO right for me” and then you make contact with them and they say they are a (insert occupation) and they like to do (insert whatever the hell it is that you are interested in) and all of a sudden you are already dreaming about holidays together etc. You then decide to call or skype and talk for a bit to get a vibe of what they are like and then you have to meet or not to meet? That is the question.
It is at this point that panic potentially will set in. What if I meet them and they hate me? What if they are not what they said they were on their profile? What if they are what they said on their profile? What if I like them and they don’t like me? What if they like me and I don’t like them? What if they are crap in bed etc etc etc until your head wants to explode!
Dating an unknown, potential stalker or serial killer could be on the cards. Yay! If you want to be a headline in the news inviting strangers anywhere near your abode could get you there. Thus you decide to pick a neutral place in town. Will it be coffee, drinks after work, dinner? What does this choice say about the person? If it is coffee or brunch it says that they want to check you out before deciding if you are worth spending any reasonable amount of time with. So, a coffee date or brunch can end and your Friday or Saturday night hasn’t been wasted with someone you are not interested in.
Drinks after work says that you are busy and are booked out on the weekend so yet again before I reschedule my life I want to check you out first. Also after work means that there is a bit of time limit on the date as most people want to be in bed by 1030pm for work the next day. Also early morning meetings are a good excuse to cut a really boring date short. I have been known to cut and run after an hour or so stating that I have to be up at 530am so need to go home early.
Dinner, Mmm now there is a chance, Dinner suggests that a person wants to take some leisurely time to know you. This may be scary for you and you may prefer option one or two. Personally, I have only had a handful of dinner dates in my life so if any of you have done this let me know. Dinner could be really great if you have a rapport with someone, or could be a total disaster which could be funny and add to your own collections of war stories.
After settling on a date, you then start to worry about what the hell to wear. What are you saying about yourself if you wear an LBD or jeans or a low cut top? This is a problem because first impressions count and potentially you want them to see you as a sexy, but not slutty, gorgeous woman who they want to know. You then go through your whole wardrobe discounting everything you own and start thinking about cancelling because you can’t possibly lose 5kg by the weekend!
You then decide to pull out ‘the old faithful’. An outfit that you feel relatively fab in and has been known to work and won’t get you locked up if you happen to linger on a street corner for five or ten minutes. If you have managed to get this far, the date has the potential to actually occur failing cancellation due to meteor shower or the fact he has better plans.
The day comes, you dress up and go and after several furtive text find him in the bar, pub, gallery, whatever public place you have decided on. Is your heart aflutter with OMG he is so HOT or sinking with OMG is he wearing a toupee? You sit down and talk for a bit before ordering said drinks and within approximately 20 minutes you have decided whether he could be the potential father of your children or that you should have stayed home and scrubbed the oven out as it hasn’t been done since you moved in 18 months ago.
If you like him you will agonize over if he likes you and wants to see you again and if you don’t like him you will agonize over how to cut this short so you can still get home in time for (insert favourite tv program here).
Continue this cycle indefinitely until you find ‘the one’, settle or buy multiple cats!
I myself went through this for awhile until I decided that I was going to treat every internet date as the opportunity to meet a new friend or contact in my town. I do not agonize (too much) over what to wear and I am more thinking about the opportunity to meet a person who might like the same things and want to just ‘hang out’ for a time. This slight change in my mindset has helped enormously. I am no longer worried about the date per se. I am more concerned with wasting my time if I just don’t like them. That to me is more annoying. I also now feel I no longer have to censure myself. I can express myself fully without worrying that my opinion will not be to their liking and therefore they will not want me. This gives me the freedom to be me and it also means I don’t really care whether they like me or not. Of course it is disappointing when someone you like doesn’t like you but in the majority of cases as I said from the beginning I would rather spend time at the gynaecologists than deal with some of the pompous asses I have been bored to death with in recent times.
So, peeps, Be yourself! Your opinion matters! If they don’t like it, use the Jojogrrl’s favourite four letter word – NEXT!
Until next time funsters, be cool and don’t take life too seriously!