As I am having a bit of enforced time out from my obviously stellar career here in the Nation’s Capital, I thought I would add not only my dating disasters to this blog but also my thoughts and observations. Thus whilst having several vinos at a small but intimate dinner party on the weekend, we thought a small guide to the one night stand may be in order. This came up as I pointed out to the happily relationshipped friends of mine that most of us singles barely ever get to touch another human being. Other than within my job e.g. shaking hands or when nursing and doing such lovely jobs as bed bathing 88 year old men, I do not get to physically be cuddled, kissed or held and after several months of not having this you begin to crave it like someone going cold turkey on the cigarettes. So, you then make up your mind that tonight you will go out fishing. Nine times out of ten, you end up a greasy mess on the kitchen floor after too many tequilas, however, even I cannot always be unlucky lol! With that in mind I now present the etiquette of a one night stand (ONS). Please feel free to add more in the comments lol
The following valid points were made and should be considered when embarking on what could be a fun recreational activity or a date with Mr or Ms Serial Killer lol!
1. Ladies and Gentlemen – take your own condoms! Gents find the super XXXL or whatever fits you and you trust. Do not believe any girl who says she is on the pill if you are not contemplating fatherhood soon. Furthermore, there has been a jump in diseases like chlamydia and gonorrhoea. So, be mature and sort yourselves out people. As they used to say “If it’s not on, it’s not on”.
2. Decide before you get intoxicated on your substance of choice where the event potentially will take place. Deciding to take a potential date home to your mother and your cat at 4am probably isn’t the best way to maintain household harmony. So, the choices are either yours, their’s, or a hotel. Pros and cons – If going to yours, you are home and potentially if they are a crazy serial killer your flatmate, buddy or family will find your mutilated body before the CSK disappears. If they do not seem like a CSK at least you are home and when the hangover sets in, it isn’t you who has to do the walk of shame to return to your place to die. The Cons are that they know where you live in case they want to stalk you or rip the joint off one day and you will have to clean the sheets and potentially put up with the good natured piss taking of anyone you live with (unless it is your spouse in which case it could be grounds for divorce). Their place – pros are they won’t know where you live and there is no CSI style cleaning up for you to do but the cons are having to move your arse at some point, dealing with their housemates and potentially dodgy bathrooms and toilets because guys are usually not too great at that. My tip, take tissues in your handbag just in case. Also you may have no actual clue where the hell you are and may need to invest in a GPS at some stage. The final one a hotel, could be a goer except, even if you get a late check out you may have to hit the road by noon. This is an expensive option and unless you and the potential ONS are flushed with cash forget it. However, if you do, it may lead you to number 3
3. DO NOT ASK FOR FREAKY SHIT ON A ONS! Ladies and Gentlemen, the last thing anyone wants is to be nagged at for a variety of unsavoury stuff when basically embarking on an anonymous roll in the hay with a cute thing they have just met. The ONS may turn into the fifty year marriage but at this point it is vanilla sex all the way unless you have been in a BDSM club and have already decided on the ‘safe word’ for the night. No one can possibly be turned on with freaky stuff unless they trust you and if they have only just met you over a couple of mojitos at the bar – forget it.
4. This brings me to number four. Do not try and change their mind. I have heard all sorts of stuff designed to try and make me do what some freak has wanted which I for one am not interested in e.g. Don’t knock it until you have tried it. Firstly, you don’t know me and you don’t know what I have or have not tried so trying to make me feel like some frigid catholic school virgin is not going to win you any brownie points or, I will be gentle. LMFAO! Compared to what? If your potential ONS says ‘No’ they mean it
5. Other than condoms and lube do not start bringing a variety of crazy adult toys, blindfolds or handcuffs out with your potential ONS. Like I said, think vanilla, people. You may get to do this, if you see them again prior to hell freezing over
6. Gentlemen, please remove shoes and socks prior to jeans. No woman wants to see you in your underpants and socks. You are not Tom Cruise in Risky Business and even then that was 20 years ago. A naked woman in stilettos is hot, a naked man in converse is not!
7. Treat each other like human beings. This person has deigned to spend some time with you in a very pleasurable way. Neither of you are hookers (otherwise that’s a whole different blogspot or maybe wetspot lol?!) so treat the other person with respect.
8. Set the rules BEFORE the deed i.e. don’t feed someone bullshit about the potential of a lovely romantic relationship that will lead to the alter and 2.4 kids if all you want is a shag. That way treating them with respect ie rule 7 will not lead them on. Yes, you may not get your ONS but obtaining one under false pretenses is using and abusing the other person emotionally. Think about that everytime you complain that some crazy person you met and had a ONS 3 months ago is still bugging you. If you had been upfront in the first place the annoyance of the last three months would not have occurred because either you would not have gone there or they would have known the extent of it. In my experience, this can also on occasion backfire on a person. I was upfront with my first husband and said I was only going to be around for 7 weeks so how about a fling? This lead to a nearly 10 year marriage! So, being honest is great but be aware that repeat performances could lead to long term relationships which may or may not turn out.
9. Do not leave used condoms or packets on the floor! Please dispose of them thoughtfully as no-one likes stepping on them in bare feet when creeping out to the bathroom as well as it is not nice having other people’s bodily fluids leaking into their carpet and pets could potentially eat them and need emergency veterinary surgery.
10. The dreaded phone number time! Well, if you have adhered to rule 8 this one can be fairly straightforward. You set the parameters early and said its a one night only gig, well good on you. You can now chuck your gear on and say “adios amigo, see you at the club sometime” and not have to worry about guilt inducing scenes. This also leads to the potential of hooking up again in a guilt free way and of course when you see each other out you don’t have to avoid each other which is great especially if you live in a place where there is only about 2 clubs. My advice is DO NOT TAKE A NUMBER UNLESS YOU GENUINELY WILL ACTUALLY CALL IT! It may make you feel better and take away some of the guilt prior to you heading for the hills but it marks you in my book as a coward.
I hope some of these words of wisdom can be used and passed down and on through the ages. Whilst we have all had some fun in our adult lives we have all been disappointed after being with someone we thought was amazing, only to end up another notch on their bedpost. As our parents used to say “Treat someone as you would like to be treated”. Be kind and whilst not all our midnight visitors can be ‘the one’ both parties can have some fun memories to look back on without the battle scars.
Until next time dear readers!