As I have been a bit prolific today, turning my thoughts into coherent words has got me thinking which at this late hour is a bad thing. So, in order to dispel my insomnia I have decided to actually reflect on the recent events and see if anything can be gleaned from them. Let’s face it, no one comes through life without any battle scars from their interaction with people with whom they choose to give their hearts to. I say it this way because all of us, gay, straight, lesbian and transgender and now intersex have had our hearts trampled on by persons whom we felt were the sun, moon and stars in our universe. I have cried rivers of tears, have been on the brink of nervous breakdown and have been the most broken I have ever been not from problems within my family or from hard times at work which both scenarios are killers as my family has been broken and fucked up since I was 11 and I have worked as an Intensive Care nurse for over a decade and have had shifts where the stress levels have been through the roof.
Love. The four letter word that can turn our lives upside down. One minute we are so happy with a person whom we think will be there forever and the next we can be in the pit of an abyss looking into the depths of loneliness thinking that our lives will never be happy again. Love is a drug. Scientifically when we are in love we produce more dopamine which makes us happy. This is the same chemical in our brains that ecstasy amplifies so those freaks on discotreats are in the stratosphere of happy where no one can touch them. Is it any wonder people crave that?
I am starting to look at me. What is wrong with me? Why am I meeting this assortment of weirdos and freaks? I am by all accounts a nice, fun, generous, intelligent woman. I am not quite Quasimodo so, why is this happening? Every woman I talk to who is single has the same chorus of remarks – where have all the decent guys gone? Honestly, they are already taken. That is a fact. What is left are a bunch of guys, like us girls who have scars and issues. However, unlike most girls, a lot of guys will not, cannot or do not take the time to figure out their own brand of fuckupness.
As you have seen on this blog I have met all sorts of weirdos and freaks this year. Admittedly, I have had to look online and that is obviously where these people like to lurk. My mother always says I am too honest with people. I want to get to know them and let them get to know me so I am an open book. This, I have learned is a bad thing as people want to exploit this. I guess I will never be a champion poker player.
I suppose I want to believe what someone says to me. I don’t misrepresent myself to anyone so I in my stupidity think people or should I say men, will do me the courtesy of being honest. This is my fundamental mistake. I should not take people at face value. In this day and age everyone lies. I took IMOM at face value when he said he was getting divorced in 2007. It is 2013 and still this has not occurred and probably won’t because by being married it stops him marrying someone else. I took my ex husband at face value and he was the biggest liar known to man! OMG if lying was an Olympic sport he would have come in with a gold followed closely by IMOM. I think of both of them now and my skin crawls because I was so stupid as to believe anything either of them said.
This brings me to the disappointment of men that I have met this year. Except the tradies who did not misrepresent their intentions in any way, shape or form, the rest are a pack of lying bastards! Men, from what I can tell, will tell you what you want to hear. So, if you are looking to settle down they will mirror your thoughts back to you. I don’t understand why they just don’t cut the bullshit and go on adult friend finder it would be so much easier for them?
Then we have a confusion of men who don’t know what they want. How can a woman get a relationship with someone who hasn’t even figured out what they want? So, these are the most dangerous as they are completely emotionally unavailable whilst putting themselves out there as wanting a relationship. These are the ones that confound most women. They seem like ok blokes. A lot of them are educated, no ties, financially secure etc etc. Our married friends jokingly say ‘what is wrong with them?’ and they are fucking right! Exactly, what is wrong with them? Married to their jobs i.e. workaholics, no social skills with women (think nerd guy), guys who are so afraid of making a mistake they cannot make a decision, casanovas who are starting to lose their looks so it is time to settle down, liars, gamblers, cheaters, functional alcoholics, bullies, sexual deviants who have no boundaries…have I missed anyone?
So, next time I get the phone call because most guys are completely gutless and don’t like a scene and they say “It’s not you, it’s me”, too fucking right mate it’s you! I know I am not perfect but I am willing to travel the world to find my partner. I am willing to put myself out there to ridicule by doing this blog and going on interminable dates with horrors! I am willing to do whatever it takes to be with the one person (yes that’s right ONE person) who makes me happy and you know what? Most men I have found will not put themselves out there and will not try. So, as I said before all these disasters will become fodder for the blog and a bit of amusement for my friends and followers. I have to believe there is someone out there, I have to believe ‘Who Dares Wins’ or I will become like other disillusioned old women, a crazy cat lady with 79 cats.
I ask the question of all of you who read this blog, am I right about men? Should I just give up the quest now? Is there a chance of finding that one person in about 400 million (apparently if you look at the 7 billion in the world, at least 50% are women, then a bunch are under or over age, a bunch are married, gay, taken, ugly etc so that leaves about 400 million). Are there answers to these questions? Is that now my quest to answer them or to start researching cat breeds? I don’t know but until next time dear readers….
Love and light from the Jojogrrl