Monthly Archives: July 2013

Disneyland, Sparky and curly sexual issues

Evening all,

I have been working hard this week in my other profession (not the oldest profession either, you dirty creatures lol!)  Anyway, after three fairly busy days I decided to text the Sparky to see where he was at and regardless of his reply go out to listen to some tunes.  I finished work, threw on some jeans and a T-shirt to head off out.  I have to say ladies, stuff wearing heels and troweling the make up on. I have found that the ‘natural look’ is definitely in.  Sparky did text and said he would catch up later but I didn’t care either way as I go out for me to enjoy some music and dancing.  For me loud, fast pumping music is like a holiday for my brain.  When I am on the dancefloor I am not thinking about where my next job is or when my health will get better or even if there is a partner out there.  I am living in the moment, enjoying the beat and feeding off the energy of the crowd.

I got to Moose to find a scene that could only be described as Disneyland on Crack!  It was the Moose’s 23rd birthday and the theme apparently was Disney characters.  All I can say is all the sex shops in Canberra must have sold out on all their stocks of Snow White, Little Red Riding Hood, Alice in Wonderland etc.  It was like a Disneyporn party.  I didn’t know where to put my eyes in some instances. Whilst there were some very attractive little things out there they are often accompanied by their larger bff who insists on wearing similar clothes.  So I saw heaving bosoms and thighs that the Brumbies Rugby club would have been proud to have on a backrower there.  I felt very overdressed in my jeans, t-shirt and comfy shoes but the more approachable you are the more you will be approached.  I danced for about four hours and then Sparky said he was coming up. Eventually thorough several texts we found each other near the bathrooms.  After taking forever to get our drinks we sat on a couch together and chatted mainly about footy and work before him landing on me the most tingling kiss (sparks flew lol!)  It was getting on late and he mentioned an afterparty.  so, we head off to his mate, The Secretary’s place.

We got there first and was greeted at the door by a plethora of workboots.  Sparky shook each shoe to find the door keys and let us in.  Ten or fifteen minutes later the rest of them returned.  There were half empty beer bottles everywhere (waste!)  It was like a scene from Human Traffic lol!  We hung around talking shit for awhile and his buddies got all protective and asked what my intentions towards Sparky were. I  told them point blank that I would take him home and bring him back unbroken when I was finished with him. They appeared more relaxed after that (Or it could have been the multiple beers and bourbons who knows lol?)

The sun started to rise so Sparky and I left to go back to mine.  As much as he is cute and willing to learn (CuCucatchoo Mrs Robinson!) unfortunately I think the alcohol got the better of him.  Has happen to guys a lot in the past and until they know their limits will occur into the future.  So after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and not much else  happening I crashed out.  After about two hours I awoke again but it was all a bit of a fruitless exercise as he was getting paranoid now about getting back to the Secretary’s house.  So, I had a quick tub and drove him back there. They all went to pay him out and I just said one word – Fabulous!

I left and took myself out for brunch before meeting up with the engineer for a coffee which led to dinner.  Now, as you know peeps, the engineer and I were an item for six months.  He is not a bad person, in fact he is very reliable but those of you who know me think he is far too much the upstanding citizen for me.  We had a pleasant afternoon and after dinner I took my leave. I must admit I was absolutely stuffed! 

I came home believing I would watch a bit of Breaking Bad and ended up watching the whole first season.  It was really good.  In the midst of this I was talking online to a couple of men and guess what came up?  I know you won’t believe it (sarcasm) – Anal Sex.  There I have said it!  

What is it with all these straight guys asking about it?  I have a several theories regarding this matter:

1.  they think that they are only gay if they take it so giving it is ok.  They try smooth talking you about it saying things like ‘It won’t hurt”  and ” I will be gentle” Won’t hurt?  Be gentle?  I cannot see how something as large as an erect penis can be placed gently in a space not made for it and it not hurt.  Maybe if It was done to them with a very large, black dildo in the gentle manner they are considering it may take the enthusiasm out of them.  In fact, the next guy that asks about it, I think I might do that.  I think I might say “You first” and pull out a huge 13 inch black dildo after I have restrained him to the bed. 

2.  I also think that guys think it’s like the last bastion of risque sexual behaviour.  I am not a vanilla beige boring person if I get off doing this.  I am a sex God lol!

3. Some men with rather large penises admit that they get off hurting women doing this and its the only way they can get it all the way into a woman WTF?

4. Bisexual men do this with women to get their fix whilst denying their true sexuality

These four points have been verified by the weirdos and freaks I talk to whilst arming myself with all this important information for your edification.  I know I don’t speak for everyone and there are plenty of people out there going hammer and tongs every weekend but I find it interesting that men are just asking for this straight off even when just attempting to establish a casual fling never mind a relationship.

Remember years ago, a guy would start by trying to steal kisses from you.  It then progressed to kisses and cuddles etc and after a while they may start getting antsy about actually getting some? This would all take some time and you got to know them.  Now you can be sipping a Bellini and a guy you have chatted to for approximately 20 minutes is asking about Anal,  OMG!  What is the world coming to?

In the 80s there was bikini line wax, then the 90s a g-string wax and then some bastard decided the Brazilian was the go.  Then men started getting boyzillians!  For the love of God please just DON’T it looks awful!  Trimmige = yes, bald = no.  Thus we have waxed, shaved and tweezered our nether regions into perfection and are now running out of things to excite us.

Here is a novel idea.  Regardless of the amount of time you have know the person treat them with respect.  Touch them as you would like to be touched and spend time genuinely exploring their body.  Don’t you hate it girls when you get the kiss on the lips, then kiss on right neck followed by right breast then over to left neck and breast etc? It’s all been done and we are all too jaded.  I think the issue now is that most people are becoming selfish.  They only care about their experience. By being gentle and respectful of the other person regardless of whether you are technically perfect, you will always get laid as everyone appreciates the time and effort taken to make them feel special.

I feel sometimes that I just can’t keep up with the latest thing.  If someone wrote that sucking someone’s toes (oh wait, that’s been done too lol!) would get someone off it would be in vogue.  I think that you will always meet someone who is one freak level above your own and makes you feel slightly uncomfortable.  Then you have a choice and you need to do what feels right for you.  The choice is that small 2 letter word beginning with ‘N’ or you embrace your inner freak.  Who knows, it may be you that out freaks the freak lol!?

Until next time dear readers, the choices are yours.

Stay safe!

The Jojogrrl

 

Etiquette for the One Night Stand

Afternoon groovers,

As I am having a bit of enforced time out from my obviously stellar career here in the Nation’s Capital, I thought I would add not only my dating disasters to this blog but also my thoughts and observations.  Thus whilst having several vinos at a small but intimate dinner party on the weekend, we thought a small guide to the one night stand may be in order.  This came up as I pointed out to the happily relationshipped friends of mine that most of us singles barely ever get to touch another human being.  Other than within my job e.g. shaking hands or when nursing and doing such lovely jobs as bed bathing 88 year old men, I do not get to physically be cuddled, kissed or held and after several months of not having this you begin to crave it like someone going cold turkey on the cigarettes.  So, you then make up your mind that tonight you will go out fishing.  Nine times out of ten, you end up a greasy mess on the kitchen floor after too many tequilas, however, even I cannot always be unlucky lol!  With that in mind I now present the etiquette of a one night stand (ONS).   Please feel free to add more in the comments lol

The following valid points were made and should be considered when embarking on what could be a fun recreational activity or a date with Mr or Ms Serial Killer lol!

1.  Ladies and Gentlemen – take your own condoms!  Gents find the super XXXL  or whatever fits you and you trust.  Do not believe any girl who says she is on the pill if you are not contemplating fatherhood soon. Furthermore, there has been a jump in diseases like chlamydia and gonorrhoea.  So, be mature and sort yourselves out people.  As they used to say “If it’s not on, it’s not on”.

2. Decide before you get intoxicated on your substance of choice where the event potentially will take place.  Deciding to take a potential date home to your mother and your cat at 4am probably isn’t the best way to maintain household harmony.  So, the choices are either yours, their’s, or a hotel.  Pros and cons – If going to yours, you are home and potentially if they are a crazy serial killer your flatmate, buddy or family will find your mutilated body before the CSK disappears.  If they do not seem like a CSK at least you are home and when the hangover sets in, it isn’t you who has to do the walk of shame to return to your place to die. The Cons are that they know where you live in case they want to stalk you or rip the joint off one day and you will have to clean the sheets and potentially put up with the good natured piss taking of anyone you live with (unless it is your spouse in which  case it could be grounds for divorce).  Their place – pros are they won’t know where you live and there is no CSI style cleaning up for you to do but the cons are having to move your arse at some point, dealing with their housemates and potentially dodgy bathrooms and toilets because guys are usually not too great at that.  My tip, take tissues in your handbag just in case.  Also you may have no actual clue where the hell you are and may need to invest in a GPS at some stage.  The final one a hotel, could be a goer except, even if you get a late check out you may have to hit the road by noon.  This is an expensive option and unless you and the potential ONS are flushed with cash forget it.  However, if you do, it may lead you to number 3

3. DO NOT ASK FOR FREAKY SHIT ON A ONS!  Ladies and Gentlemen, the last thing anyone wants is to be nagged at for a variety of unsavoury stuff when basically embarking on an anonymous roll in the hay with a cute thing they have just met.  The ONS may turn into the fifty year marriage but at this point it is vanilla sex all the way unless you have been in a BDSM club and have already decided on the ‘safe word’ for the night.  No one can possibly be turned on with freaky stuff unless they trust you and if they have only just met you over a couple of mojitos at the bar – forget it.

4.  This brings me to number four.  Do not try and change their mind.  I have heard all sorts of stuff designed to try and make me do what some freak has wanted which I for one am not interested in e.g. Don’t knock it until you have tried it.  Firstly, you don’t know me and you don’t know what I have or have not tried so trying to make me feel like some frigid catholic school virgin is not going to win you any brownie points or, I will be gentle.  LMFAO!  Compared to what?  If your potential ONS says ‘No’ they mean it

5. Other than condoms and lube do not start bringing a variety of crazy adult toys, blindfolds or handcuffs out with your potential ONS.  Like I said, think vanilla, people.  You may get to do this, if you see them again prior to hell freezing over

6. Gentlemen, please remove shoes and socks prior to jeans. No woman wants to see you in your underpants and socks. You are not Tom Cruise in Risky Business and even then that was 20 years ago.  A naked woman in stilettos is hot, a naked man in converse is not!

7. Treat each other like human beings.  This person has deigned to spend some time with you in a very pleasurable way.  Neither of you are hookers (otherwise that’s a whole different blogspot or maybe wetspot lol?!) so treat the other person with respect.

8. Set the rules BEFORE the deed i.e. don’t feed someone bullshit about the potential of a lovely romantic relationship that will lead to the alter and 2.4 kids if all you want is a shag.  That way treating them with respect ie rule 7 will not lead them on.  Yes, you may not get your ONS but obtaining one under false pretenses is using and abusing the other person emotionally.  Think about that everytime you complain that some crazy person you met and had a ONS 3 months ago is still bugging you.  If you had been upfront in the first place the annoyance of the last three months would not have occurred because either you would not have gone there or they would have known the extent of it.  In my experience, this can also on occasion backfire on a person.  I was upfront with my first husband and said I was only going to be around for 7 weeks so how about a fling? This lead to a nearly 10 year marriage!  So, being honest is great but be aware that repeat performances could lead to long term relationships which may or may not turn out.

9. Do not leave used condoms or packets on the floor!  Please dispose of them thoughtfully as no-one likes stepping on them in bare feet when creeping out to the bathroom as well as it is not nice having other people’s bodily fluids leaking into their carpet and pets could potentially eat them and need emergency veterinary surgery.

10. The dreaded phone number time!  Well, if you have adhered to rule 8 this one can be fairly straightforward.  You set the parameters early and said its a one night only gig, well good on you.  You can now chuck your gear on and say “adios amigo, see you at the club sometime” and not have to worry about guilt inducing scenes.  This also leads to the potential of hooking up again in a guilt free way and of course when you see each other out you don’t have to avoid each other which is great especially if you live in a place where there is only about 2 clubs.  My advice is DO NOT TAKE A NUMBER UNLESS YOU GENUINELY WILL ACTUALLY CALL IT!  It may make you feel better and take away some of the guilt prior to you heading for the hills but it marks you in my book as a coward.

I hope some of these words of wisdom can be used and passed down and on through the ages.  Whilst we have all had some fun in our adult lives we have all been disappointed after being with someone we thought was amazing, only to end up another notch on their bedpost.  As our parents used to say “Treat someone as you would like to be treated”.  Be kind and whilst not all our midnight visitors can be ‘the one’ both parties can have some fun memories to look back on without the battle scars.

Until next time dear readers!

The Jojogrrl

xxx

Midnight Musings – Part One

Funsters,

As I have been a bit prolific today, turning my thoughts into coherent words has got me thinking which at this late hour is a bad thing. So, in order to dispel my insomnia I have decided to actually reflect on the recent events and see if anything can be gleaned from them.  Let’s face it, no one comes through life without any battle scars from their interaction with people with whom they choose to give their hearts to.  I say it this way because all of us, gay, straight, lesbian and transgender and now intersex have had our hearts trampled on by persons whom we felt were the sun, moon and stars in our universe.  I have cried rivers of tears, have been on the brink of nervous breakdown and have been the most broken I have ever been not from problems within my family or from hard times at work which both scenarios are killers as my family has been broken and fucked up since I was 11 and I have worked as an Intensive Care nurse for over a decade and have had shifts where the stress levels have been through the roof. 

Love.  The four letter word that can turn our lives upside down.  One minute we are so happy with a person whom we think will be there forever and the next we can be in the pit of an abyss looking into the depths of loneliness thinking that our lives will never be happy again.  Love is a drug.  Scientifically when we are in love we produce more dopamine which makes us happy.  This is the same chemical in our brains that ecstasy amplifies so those freaks on discotreats are in the stratosphere of happy where no one can touch them. Is it any wonder people crave that?

I am starting to look at me.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I meeting this assortment of weirdos and freaks?  I am by all accounts a nice, fun, generous, intelligent woman.  I am not quite Quasimodo so, why is this happening?  Every woman I talk to who is single has the same chorus of remarks – where have all the decent guys gone?  Honestly, they are already taken. That is a fact.  What is left are a bunch of guys, like us girls who have scars and issues.  However, unlike most girls, a lot of guys will not, cannot or do not take the time to figure out their own brand of fuckupness.

As you have seen on this blog I have met all sorts of weirdos and freaks this year.  Admittedly, I have had to look online and that is obviously where these people like to lurk.  My mother always says I am too honest with people.  I want to get to know them and let them get to know me so I am an open book.  This, I have learned is a bad thing as people want to exploit this.  I guess I will never be a champion poker player.

I suppose I want to believe what someone says to me. I don’t misrepresent myself to anyone so I in my stupidity think people or should I say men, will do me the courtesy of being honest.  This is my fundamental mistake.  I should not take people at face value.  In this day and age everyone lies.  I took IMOM at face value when he said he was getting divorced in 2007.  It is 2013 and still this has not occurred and probably won’t because by being married it stops him marrying someone else.  I took my ex husband at face value and he was the biggest liar known to man!  OMG if lying was an Olympic sport he would have come in with a gold followed closely by IMOM.  I think of both of them now and my skin crawls because I was so stupid as to believe anything either of them said.

This brings me to the disappointment of men that I have met this year.  Except the tradies who did not misrepresent their intentions in any way, shape or form, the rest are a pack of lying bastards!  Men, from what I can tell, will tell you what you want to hear.  So, if you are looking to settle down they will mirror your thoughts back to you. I don’t understand why they just don’t cut the bullshit and go on adult friend finder it would be so much easier for them?

Then we have a confusion of  men who don’t know what they want.  How can a woman get a relationship with someone who hasn’t even figured out what they want?  So, these are the most dangerous as they are completely emotionally unavailable whilst putting themselves out there as wanting a relationship.  These are the ones that confound most women.  They seem like ok blokes.  A lot of them are educated, no ties, financially secure etc etc.  Our married friends jokingly say ‘what is wrong with them?’ and they are fucking right! Exactly, what is wrong with them?  Married to their jobs i.e. workaholics, no social skills with women (think nerd guy), guys who are so afraid of making a mistake they cannot make a decision, casanovas who are starting to lose their looks so it is time to settle down, liars, gamblers, cheaters, functional alcoholics, bullies, sexual deviants who have no boundaries…have I missed anyone?

So, next time I get the phone call because most guys are completely gutless and don’t like a scene and they say “It’s not you, it’s me”, too fucking right mate it’s you!  I know I am not perfect but I am willing to travel the world to find my partner.  I am willing to put myself out there to ridicule by doing this blog and going on interminable dates with horrors!  I am willing to do whatever it takes to be with the one person (yes that’s right ONE person) who makes me happy and you know what? Most men I have found will not put themselves out there and will not try. So, as I said before all these disasters will become fodder for the blog and a bit of amusement for my friends and followers.  I have to believe there is someone out there, I have to believe ‘Who Dares Wins’ or I will become like other disillusioned old women, a crazy cat lady with 79 cats.

I ask the question of all of you who read this blog, am I right about men?  Should I just give up the quest now?  Is there a chance of finding that one person in about 400 million (apparently if you look at the 7 billion in the world, at least 50% are women, then a bunch are under or over age, a bunch are married, gay, taken, ugly etc so that leaves about 400 million).  Are there answers to these questions? Is that now my quest to answer them or to start researching cat breeds?  I don’t know but until next time dear readers….

Love and light from the Jojogrrl

Special Edition – Jojogrrl and the Cyberman

Evening again groovers!

Shit flies thick and fast in my world let me tell you!  Since only an hour or so ago I have had yet another one bite the dust.  However, I am learning my tolerance to fuckwittery!  A couple of weeks ago I met Cyberman on an internet dating site.  He seemed charming, educated and even better was in the Southern Hemisphere!  Too good to be true you say?  Fuck yeah!  The Cyberman lives in another state from me but it was doable to eventually meet.  In fact, those of you who know of my nomadic lifestyle would know that as I have lived just about everywhere in Oz this place is an old stamping ground.   Anyway, we started with a few emails and then last weekend it got to texting.  Cyberman is 6ft 6 and from the pics I got is totally in proportion (quite a frightening thought actually!).  We flirted a bit with chat and I really thought maybe I had met someone I could be with. He liked to cook and I like to eat.  He has a few more bits of paper than me which is a rarity so therefore would not be intimidated by my qualifications. He had traveled a lot and had some kids and better yet didn’t want anymore.  As I said, obviously too good to be true.  We friended on facebook I thought so we could actually see a snapshot of each other’s life.  He got to see my life and I got to see one pic and a bunch of women which he admitted were just people he had found on internet dating sites (Could that be considered a flooze of women?).  So much for a flow of information.  He got to see my life and he was still a closed book.

We spoke once on the phone whilst he was driving one day and the conversation seemed to flow. We were talking about travel etc and I was really enjoying it.  I asked if he would like to skype when I got home thinking we could talk more.  Talk about naive!  Yesterday I flew home from the west coast and we were going to skype but he was busy.  That was ok, I understand that people can be really busy with life. 

I got a message today from him of would I like to skype?  When I got on skype he didn’t have any speakers so we could see each other and had to type to talk (how odd?)  Almost as soon as I get on he starts pressuring me to open my robe and show him myself.  Why?  Why do they do this?  I said to him that not only am I not feeling particularly sexy as I have a cancer on my breast but I don’t know him and don’t want to show myself to him.  I could tell he was pissed off.  Everytime I tried to turn the conversation to something else he moved it back.  He even looked pissed off!  After awhile of this verbal dance he got to see my nightie as I said I can’t just cyber with some stranger, the Jojogrrl is not that kind of girl!

Anyway, I had to go to my specialist appointment so I didn’t get back to him until after I had written the last post.  We talked again and he started by wanting to see my boobs!  WTF?! Doesn’t matter how educated a man is that’s all they want!  I said no and tried to steer the conversation and then he starts saying that I am controlling and trying to lay the guilts on for me not gettting my gear off!

This worm has turned!  The old Jojogrrl would have felt bad or been manipulated into giving him what he wanted due to the fear of not having him but guess what people?  I don’t have him! Yep I have finally figured it out!  I am not a commodity.  I am not here to make someone else feel good at the expense of my self esteem.  I said to him that I wanted to get to know him as a person but that wasn’t good enough!  So, FUCK HIM!  Or in this case NOT! 

Cyberman tried all the tricks, guilt, persuasion, flattery but you know what would have worked? If he had actually wanted to get to know me he would have respected the boundary I had put up. If I was actually someone he seriously considered worth dating he would not have been pressuring me.  I had already dealt with this issue with the German. He wanted to see more of me than I was willing to show.  I told both of them that they would have to wait to see any of me until they physically saw me.  Funnily enough I am now not in communication with either of them! I have removed both from my facebook and my skype.  They have my email address if they ever feel the need to treat me like a human being and not some blow up sex doll.

It was funny though because Cyberman tried to call my bluff regarding my boundaries by saying I was controlling everything and everything had to be my way.  I just said well ok then.  To be honest I had a gut feeling about him.  When I was online to him there was something that didn’t seem right and the more he tried bullying me the more I didn’t like it.

So, let’s have a round of the Jojogrrl’s favourite word.  All together now 1, 2, 3 NEXT!

A tale of Two Tradies – The Sparky and The Plumber

Evening funsters!

Had a wee break the last week or so catching up with the family on the West Coast.  As stated previously, 24 hours is a long time in Joland so I will need to catch you all up with the latest.  A few weeks ago at the beginning of July, I went to a great 40th party with a bunch of friends and ended up at the casino nightclub with them.  The company was ok but the club which was 70s-90s if you were lucky was teeming with guys that looked old enough to be my dad!  After about an hour and a half I was going to make like a baby and head on out towards home when I made an unscheduled stop at the local dance haunt – Mooseheads.  Mooseheads is a three storey club filled with the young, very young and zygotic lol!  I went upstairs and promptly got carded in the toilets by a couple of teenagers! They couldn’t believe how ancient I am.  They asked for my secret of eternal youth to which I replied “I only drink wine, coffee and water and don’t have children!”  I then went to the bar and got a vodka, lime and soda before retreating to a table to people watch.  After awhile, a young gent came up trying to talk up one of his friends.  After telling him that I was not interested in his spiel about his friend, he went away and then came back to try on his own behalf.  He was an Army cadet who was leaving to go study at a real uni and wanted to spend his last night in Canberra with me.  OMG PUKE and he wanted to leave now!  So, I said “Don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out.”  He was most taken aback as he thought I would rush out to be with him.  I told him I had come out for a drink and a dance and that’s what I wanted to do.

I spent a fair bit of time soaking up the tunes on the floor and when I decided to have a rest an annoying, drunk guy decided he had to talk to me.  Talk about ruining my buzz!  I even said to him “Go away annoying, drunk guy you are ruining my buzz” all to no avail.  So, I went downstairs for another dance.  That was when I met the cute Sparky.  He was tall, blonde and had a fantastic smile.  I thought “HELLO!” He offered me a drink and then got all embarrassed when his card had disappeared!  Anyway, we talked awhile and he came home with me.  As much as we complain about Generation Y, ladies, I have to say my estimations went up.  God bless tradies, they always have the right tool for the job.  He was a lovely young man and wanted to see me again.  He even said that I was beautiful (mood lighting and alcohol – great combination) The good thing about this situation is that I am under no illusions of ever maintaining a relationship. I mean, really!  I am not Demi Moore and I have a tattoo older than him lol!  He left when his brother picked him up at 12 and I went to work for 1pm.  Ah to be young again.

Since I was on a roll in a manner of speaking, I thought I would go out the following weekend as dancing for several hours is great exercise and that’s my excuse and I am sticking to it.  Was incredibly lazy regarding getting dressed up.  The week before I scored in jeans and a t-shirt so I thought “Why mess with the formula?”  I didn’t even comb my hair.  Anyway, out I went into the cold, freezing Canberra night and over to get loose at the Moose.  Got talking to a group on a hens night which was quite amusing and then hit the floor.  I can’t believe that they have to slow the music down because some of these young things can’t keep up!  I had a few very muscular, large guys try and literally pick me up which was a bit scary and then a few follow me around the floor for a bit. I then spotted these two guys on the outside who were not giving off creepy vibes. I danced near them and got talking to the shorter one – the Plumber (the other was the apprentice).  He was up on a job from Melbourne, blonde, taller than me and nicely built.  Anyway, we sat for awhile and had a drink before I drove them back to their temporary apartment somewhere on the other side of the city.  Bloody hell, I need to get a GPS installed I think!  So, after coffee and a chat I stayed there.  The Plumber was a lovely guy about to turn 23 the following saturday.  He was nice, cute and disposable.  I didn’t even bother asking for a phone number and left to drive home to a nice cooked breakfast and a shower.

After breakfast, I received a text from the Speed Dater who after an unsuccessful booty call when I first moved in, I hadn’t heard from in about five weeks and later that night the German sent me a message online saying he had been stressed by how fast it was all going blah, blah, blah!  Back to empty promises.  You would think if someone was keen to sort a green card marriage he would keep the prospective bride sweet eh?  Well, in the course of the week, I found that he was busy the week he didn’t communicate with me at a wedding in Iowa with his lying, cheating ex girlfriend.  He actually put pics up on facebook! He must think I am so desperate for his company that I would overlook this.  Well I gave him a chance to email or contact me but he didn’t so DEFRIEND!  Not putting up with lying bullshit from anyone anymore.  That is the big take home lesson I learned with the IMOM.  Also if it seems too good to be true it probably is.

So, how is the quest going?  Well I have got rid of the German and the Naked Finn and I haven’t heard from the Accountant.  The Speed dater has apparently gone overseas for a month, the Plumber went back to Melbourne but I did get a text from the Sparky…

So, whilst the promise of long lasting, romantic, forever ever after love appears a long way away for me, there are always diversions to keep one amused.  As I like to say “A girl needs a hobby” lol!

Til next time

Jojogrrl xxx

The Hermit, The German, The Captain and The Finn (it’s not a joke – honestly!)

G’day groovers,

24 hours is a long time in the Jojogrrl’s life and things can change at the drop of a hat.  Let’s see, where was I, Oh yes, sleepovers and the hermit.  The Hermit and I started hanging out on the weekends and slid into the relaxed holding pattern of two people enjoying each other’s company.  We continued with the sleepovers and then, oops he let caution fly to the wind and the ‘s’ word happened!  Temptation was just too much!  After the slip of the halo, he had to do what all good religious people do and go to church for half a day!  I was beginning to think he was also into wearing hair shirts and flagellation.  The whole situation turned weird.  We went to dinner and talked and I said I was more than happy to follow his lead whatever he decided that to be. I really don’t think he knew but the whole Christian guilt thing was getting to him.  We saw each other one more time, he disappeared for a week and then I called him only to have him do the ‘I don’t think we should see each other’ talk by phone.  COWARD!  One four letter word covers this and him – NEXT!

It was not long after this I met Mr Feedback.  I just did not think I could possibly go on dealing with these guys who just have no clue what they want.  In the midst of all of this, the IMOM dumped me by phone AGAIN!  Honestly, how much can a koala bear?  It is so gutless dumping someone by phone.  I was especially pissed with the IMOM but not surprised, he doesn’t deal with emotion and has horsegirl there so why would he bother?!  His loss I say. He is 53 this year and I am in my prime, maybe its for the best, he only has one good dog year left before he gets old lol!

So, then here comes the German.  I saw him online and he said in his profile he wanted to come to Australia and I would be lying if I didn’t say, he is HOT!  He was all for hurrying to meet. I told him I had time booked off courtesy of the IMOM and he DESPERATELY wanted to meet me.  We skyped and I checked him out. He didn’t appear to be a serial killer. I am a realist and I know that if we got together it would probably be a ‘green card marriage’ but hell, I could grow on him like mould to a bathroom window.  Yes, we both had stuff going on in our lives but after the initial, come here, I want you, we have to meet etc he withdrew like a beaten panzer division in the night.  I have no clue what happened.  I have emailed, texted, called and tried skype all to no avail.  I guess he is pursuing what he thinks are better offers.  All I know is I didn’t even get the call or a one line email from him to say he wasn’t interested.  However, this small interlude gave me big ideas.  Why should I limit myself to the gene pool of Australia? I am on the search.  I should call it Jolotto.  There has to be one guy on this planet who is not afraid to venture forth and I am not going to wait for him to find me.  I am going to go searching for him!

At this point, I should tell you I went from having a ticket to Abu Dhabi, a ticket to Frankfurt and a job to this week none of the above!  I am sure my fairy godmother must be a drunken Irish leprechaun with a twisted sense of humour!  Maybe I should get a lottery ticket, things could not possibly get worse!  As my friends have said – Bridget has nothing on me!

This led me to replying to the Captain.  He is an American army guy (not very smart but can life heavy things lol!)  He wrote to me requesting that I ring him at some base in Michigan and go through all this BS because we should be together. Wait a minute, back the bus up!  HE contacted ME then requests I spend a gazillion dollars on calling him.  Apparently, you have to go through his comms area blah blah, special forces, blah, blah.  I told him I wasn’t buying any of it. Hell, I lived on an airforce base for about three years. I said he could email, IM, Skype or get his arse off the base and call me.  I also told him he needs to solve his comms problems before contacting women.  Honestly, is every army guy ‘special forces’ because if so, who does the normal crap work?  The one word to sum this situation up is – NEXT (yep,you got it!)

I have not let these disasters prevent me from pushing on.  If nothing else, I am determined (or is that stubborn?).  I signed up for another site to see what else is out there.  This leads me to asking, why do old, fat, bald guys think they have a snowball’s chance in hell with me?  I am mature enough not to waste my time filling the inboxes of young, gorgeous, completely out of my league young studs, so why do these guys do it?  Do they think they will get me in a weak moment when I am thinking “Gee, there’s no-one out there, I might as well give a 62 year old balding guy with a ponytail a try!”  WTF??  This brings me to the FINN.  I have to admit, he is very hot and caught my eye and then I thought, “What the hell!”. Furthermore, he contacted me first so I messaged him back.  He is 32 and ladies think Eric Northman!  I must admit after being messaged by some of these gorgeous Northern European types, I may have to save to get a ticket and go look for myself.  One word – WOW! (not the other one for a change) Anyway, we message and I get a skype handle off him. He then sends me a link.  I copy and paste and it is in Finnish funnily enough.  I translate the page and I message him to ask if he was sending porn?  He tells me its a Finnish dating site with his profile on it.  Alright, I think.  I may as well go have a look.  OMG! Naked man alert!  Not only naked but excited man!  I was shocked!  Yes he is hot and very much in proportion with his 190cm tall frame shall I say,  but REALLY! You can’t be doing this to middle aged women!  I may suffer a heart attack at the computer with not even a cat to find me in my deadened state!

As I said, this promises to be a weird and wonderful journey and you my friends get to share it.  Who knows what situation I will be in next week.  So, dear friends, tune it to the crazy ride

Jojogrrl

PS Don’t be shy, spread the blog.  Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.  If you have a brother, friend, cousin, acquaintance, male of the species kicking around who you think may fit the bill, send them my way. What’s the worst that could happen?  They may even make it to the blog

 

 

Day two – Waiting for the perfect man (lol!)

So, groovers here it is – my life in the singles game!  I woke up this morning feeling very decisive.  I am visiting my mother next week in Perth and hope to catch up with a random rabble of friends. 

I decided to reinstate my registration on an international singles website to see what I may find.  I have put myself out there because I am determined that countries, borders or nationalities are not going to stop me in my quest.  So, now you know I am determined in my mission I thought I might amuse you with some of the tales of horror that singles must endure.

This year, mmm what have I found?  Men who are emotionally unavailable, men who at 40 have never lived with or been on holiday with women, men who actually have no idea what they want so how do they think they will find it?

After breaking up with the engineer due to his lack of commitment after six months I had a pretty bad health scare.  In a moment of weakness I contacted the International Man of Mystery (IMOM) in the Middle East.  The IMOM is like my Mr Big, except now I have kicked the habit once and for all (only recently and will be like a alcoholic fighting this demon for awhile).  Anyway, IMOM has a new girl whom he took up with being unfaithful to me in the first place. IMOM and horsegirl have been together since 1/1/12 except he took me home to meet mum and dad on 29/2/12.  I even got to fly business class courtesy of his frequent flyer points there and back.  So, IMOM and I got talking and basically commenced a cyber affair which culminated in him sending me another airline ticket to meet him in a very exotic destination this month.

He wrote all manner of romantic bullshit, telling me how he couldn’t forget me blah blah blah and did I get suckered in or what?  I have had IMOM screwing with my brain since december 2007 on and off.  He told me when we met he was separated and low and behold 2013 has come and gone and he is still separated except he also had a girlfriend to be unfaithful to as well.  All I can say is he is taking to the Middle Eastern lifestyle like a duck to water!

So, here I was on road to Disappointmentville when I decided to take a detour by attempting to date some other guys. I guess I was not 100% trusting of the IMOM and was hedging my bets in case, yet again he turned out to be his usual self.  I had one pretty uneventful date with a cop and then met the Hermit.  The Hermit is 40, has had two long distance relationships in his life and never spent a great deal of time with a woman.  Online we appeared to enjoy the same stuff and were even reading the same book (love Game of Thrones – sex and violence, what more could you want?)

Due to his lack of experience with women, I did not stun him with the full Jojogrrl complement of charms as I felt he would probably implode lol!  We had a couple of nice, friendly dates and then I moved to the Humungous House and asked if he would help.  He came by and helped my new flatmate FredAstaire and I move stuff.

After drinks and pizza and a night watching a bunch of stuff on tv, I went to show him the door. I gave him a hug goodbye and went to give him the polite social kiss when he REALLY kissed me.  OMG, you cannot do that to me and expect no consequences.  It was like the old Clash song ‘Do I stay or do I go?’  He decided he wanted to sleepover.  All I can say in the interests of good taste and decorum is that it really was a sleepover! I have not been to one of them since high school with GIRLS not BOYS!  WTF?  I am a 40 year old woman, I don’t do sleepovers!

so what happened next? Well groovers, tune in to blog 3 and it will become as clear as wonderwoman’s airplane lol!

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